DAY SIXTEEN: International Human Rights Day

Today is The International Human Rights Day and marks the end of the 16 Days Campaign. I will leave you with wise words from some of our past leaders and great humanists.

 

“The spirit of liberty is not merely, as multitudes imagine, a jealousy of our own particular rights, but a respect for the rights of others, and an unwillingness that any man, whether high or low, should be wronged and trampled under foot.”

William Ellery Channing

 

“A human being is not to be handled as a tool but is to be respected and revered.”

Felix Adler

 

“America did not invent human rights. In a very real sense . . . Human rights invented America.”

Jimmy Carter

 

“A community is democratic only when the humblest and weakest person can enjoy the highest civil, economic, and social rights that the biggest and most powerful possess.”

A. Philip Randolph

 

“No man is good enough to govern any woman without her consent.”

Susan B. Anthony

 

“But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check—a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy.”

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

“We are now faced with the fact, my friends, that tomorrow is today. We are confronted with the fierce urgency of now. In this unfolding conundrum of life and history, there is such a thing as being too late. Procrastination is still the thief of time. Life often leaves us standing bare, naked, and dejected with a lost opportunity. The tide in the affairs of men does not remain at flood—it ebbs. We may cry out desperately for time to pause in her passage, but time is adamant to every plea and rushes on. Over the bleached bones and jumbled residues of numerous civilizations are written the pathetic words, ‘Too late.’ There is an invisible book of life that faithfully records our vigilance or our neglect. Omar Khayyam is right: ‘The moving finger writes, and having writ moves on.’”

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

My prayer for you today is that these wise words will sink in and give you a sense of urgency in fixing what is wrong in our world, whatever cause you choose to support.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY FIFTEEN: International Violence Against Women Act

Today is day fifteen of The 16 Days Campaign. Our journey to disseminate valuable information in a short span of time is almost at an end. Even though this campaign is coming to a close, our work is far from finished.

The International Violence Against Women Act is proposed legislation addressing violence against women all over the world, through foreign policies initiated by The United States. Although it was introduced in the 110th and 111th congresses, it has yet to be passed into law.

Amnesty International, The Family Violence Prevention Fund, and women thrive Worldwide were instrumental in creating this proposed legislation.

Even without this legislation, we as individuals and as a society still have the great charge to eradicate violence and abuse from our families, our communities, and our world.

Some forms of violence against women worldwide include, but are not limited to:

• Rape
• Sexual slavery
• Sexual violence
• Domestic violence
• Stalking
• Murder
• Violence against women with disabilities
• Violence against immigrants and refugee women
• Breast ironing
• Female circumcision and other forms of female genital mutilation
• Burning with acid
• Honor killings
• Dowry death
• Foot binding
• Forced pregnancy
• Murder of pregnant women
• Forced abortion
• Forced prostitution
• Human trafficking
• Genocide
• Stoning
• Bride burning
• Gender-based discrimination
• Emotional abuse
• Dating violence and rape
• Imprisonment
• Torture

 

Links you may find useful:

Amnesty International USA

U.N. Women

The Duluth Model domestic abuse intervention programs

Link for creating a safety plan at www.domesticviolence.org

 

My prayer for you today is that you see yourself up to the challenge of taking on violence against women. And if there is violence in your own life, my prayer is that you will see that you have the strength to break free and that there are people out there in your community who care deeply for your safety and well-being.

In His grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY FOURTEEN: Taking Steps

Today is day fourteen of The 16 Days Campaign to end domestic abuse and violence against women. It has been a challenge to put for all this information over the past two weeks, but I believe it has also been well worth my time and effort. We have two days left, after today, and I believe that Our Lord can work miracles in our families, if only we would be His hands and demonstrate His heart for hurting people.

Although there has been much progress since the days my abuser had me in his clutches, there is still much work to be done, if we are to prevent further domestic violence against women, children, and even men.

It reasons that if we develop, promote, and implement effective strategies, we will make a difference. Even the efforts of one bystander in the life of an abuse victim can change that life for the better.

On a personal note, my abuser made me believe that no one would be willing to help me. He convinced me I was worthless, that I would be better off dead. He made me believe that he would have me committed to a psychiatric hospital if I reached out for help. Back then, there weren’t as many victim advocacy services and crisis hotlines available, and the one outsider, a Methodist minister, who I reached out to blamed it all on me. He said that if I were being abused, then I was not performing my wifely duties. In essence, my minister blamed the abuse on me.

When I did reach out and tell a family member, after years of taking the abuse in silence, I was denied her help because she believed me to be lying and manipulating the situation. I went back to my abuser because I thought I had no other choice, no help, no one who loved me enough to care.

If I would have had just one person on my side back then, well, the past is past, and I can only live for the now.

The following includes a list of things we all can do to help turn the tide of violence in our families and in our community, and ultimately in our world. Some are simple and can be done by an individual, while others are more complicated and will require the community to participate, through governmental initiatives, social activism, and providing more services and resources for the victims of intimate partner abuse.

• Increase the safety and protection of women and children.
• Promote healthy, respectful relationships, including healthier parent-child relationships.
• Develop positive family dynamics and emotionally supportive environments.
• Foster the growth of positive interactions, based on trust and respect.
• Foster effective non-violent communication skills and conflict resolution.
• Teach children appropriate peer and dating relationship tactics, what is acceptable and not acceptable.
• Promote healing and prevention in the lives of victims so that they will not be victimized again.
• Support and volunteer in local efforts supporting this cause.
• Recognize that violence against women and children is a human rights issue.
• Show solidarity among women who have suffered past abuse or are currently in an abusive situation.
• Ensure that legal, housing, safety, medical, and mental health and other services and resources are readily available and accessible to survivors of violence and abuse.

My prayer for you today is that if someone trusts you enough to reach out to you, please, please take her hand and help her so that the cycle can end and that she will know how important she really is, to you and to God.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY THIRTEEN: The Biblical Significance of Sixteen Days

Today is day thirteen of The 16 Days Campaign, and I would like to share the biblical significance of the number 16 and, specifically, 16 days.

I do not find this topic mentioned anywhere else, that I have seen in the 16 Day Campaign, and being a follower of Christ, I believed it important that someone shares how powerful the number 16 is, and specifically how 16 short days can change the world.

There are 16 qualities of Love, according to 1 Corinthians 13

• Love is patient
• Love is kind
• Love does not envy
• Love does not boast
• Love is not proud
• Love does not dishonor others
• Love is not self seeking
• Love is not easily angered
• Love keeps no record of wrongs
• Love does not delight in evil
• Love rejoices with the truth
• Love always protects
• Love always trusts
• Love always hopes
• Love always perseveres
• Love never fails

Some sources say that the number 16 literally means love in The Bible. (God Counts, W. E. Filmer http://www.asis.com/users/stag/godcount.html)

There were sixteen prophets in the Old Testament and sixteen apostles and evangelists in the New Testament.

King Ahaz reigned sixteen years in Jerusalem (2 Kings 16:2, 2 Chronicles 28:24). He was by far the worst idol-worshiping King to have reigned in those days. And yet, his son, Hezekiah, rebuilt the Temple of God and restored hope and faith in his kingdom in the first month of his reign. It only took sixteen days to restore the temple (2 Chronicles 29:15-17).

What took 16 years for his father to destroy, this God-empowered King Hezekiah restored in only 16 days.

God is so powerful. He can accomplish anything, including restoring our families and communities to health.

My prayer for you today is that you have the faith to know it is possible, that domestic violence can be eradicated from our homes, our communities, and from our world.

In His Holy Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY TWELVE: Loving a Child Out of Despair

Today is day twelve of The 16 Days Campaign to end domestic abuse and violence against women.

What You May See If A Child Is Having Trouble

When children witness abuse or violence, their whole world is shaken. If they see it on a regular basis, it can damage their psyche long-term. The following are some of the problems that might be seen in children in unsafe home environments.

• Sleep trouble, nightmares, bed wetting
• Aggressive behavior or angry outbursts
• Hyperactivity
• Hyper-vigilance (excessive worry about danger)
• Excessive worry for the safety of loved ones (especially the loved one being abused)
• Withdrawal from friends and regular activities
• Emotional numbness
• Trouble concentrating
• Acting out what they have witnessed

The dynamics displayed in a family where domestic violence is prevalent make for an unhealthy living environment for children. Children learn that they must protect the “family secret.” I had to protect such a secret, and it taught me to lie. It also taught me that I could not reach out for help because of the shame this secret held. Children who grow up in such homes often develop social, emotional, and psychological and behavioral problems. This traumatic childhood will find its way to the surface, disrupting the survivor’s life from childhood and far into adulthood.

Children will often feel they are powerless, hopeless to ever have a better life. They may be confused about what is going on and also confused about their own feelings of shame, guilt, self-blame, and anger toward their parents. These children fear abandonment. They fear letting others into their personal space. They fear confiding in others because they fear that confidant might turn it all against them, tell the parent, or something worse—the State—because no matter how bad it is at home, that’s all these kids know.

These children may act out in school, get in fights or be otherwise aggressive; or they may become passive, apathetic, depressed, and they withdraw into themselves. They have very rigid defenses that are not always based in logic.

In essence, these hurting children withdraw from life, and every contact with another human holds the potential to be painful or dangerous.

As they grow up, these children may isolate, or they may act out sexually, having short, explosive relationships.

If we offer these children our love and compassion, we can effect powerful change in their lives. After a hurting soul first experiences agape love, compassion from a stranger or loved one willing to step up, her heart begins to be able to soak up the goodness in life, instead of being cut constantly by the badness.

We can help these children by making sure we reflect trust, respect, and love in all our relationships. We can greatly increase their self-esteem and promote independence by providing an emotionally and physically safe place to stay. We can demonstrate healthy love by setting boundaries and limits, being consistent, and by having clear expectations.

Encourage and support their interests. This can be especially important to help them switch from being consumed with personal safety, to being open to new experiences.

Before a child can share her story with an adult and begin healing, she needs to know she is in a safe place to do so. There must be a relationship of trust between the adult and the child.

The system fails our children and our families when they expect a child (or even an adult) to walk right in and spill the beans. Just because the social worker or police officer says, “you can trust me,” does not make it believable. The child’s history needs taken into consideration and the authorities (and all of us) have to realize the child most likely has never experienced a trustworthy relationship. It takes time, patience, and a monumental amount of love and compassion in some cases, to break through that wall of fear and distrust.

My prayer for today is for the children. I have great travailings for them. I pray that the children in your world know love and trust.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY ELEVEN: The Normalization of Sex and Violence in Our Families

Today is day eleven of The 16 Days Campaign. Today is the day we need to consider Raising The Bar.

When I was in my early twenties, I was asked by a coworker, “If you don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs, what do you do for fun?”

“Plenty,” I replied.

It was not a matter of me being a snob or even a devout Christian back then, because I really wasn’t.

It was a matter of choices, however.

I never criticized my friends or coworkers for their choices, their lifestyle, but at the same time, I simply held myself to a higher personal standard. I simply had chosen a different path.

Please do not take anything I say as judgment or criticism. I am only offering a viable solution to a very serious problem in our society. Sex and violence are everywhere in what we watch, listen to, and surf. If we are to change the status quo, we must each make that decision on a personal level. It never works for a society to set standards. For instance, if you tell a three-year-old that she cannot have any cookies, she will want those cookies all the more, and she will try to get them without you knowing. We need to personally make the decision to not allow this glut of sex and violence into our homes and into the lives of our children.

Don’t get me wrong. I like a first-run Hollywood movie just as much as the next person, but I have also been known to walk out of a movie theater, when the language or nudity or violence gets to be too much for me.

Far be it for me to tell anyone else what they can and cannot watch or listen to. As for me, I don’t care if it does have a catchy beat or flashy visuals, I must hold myself to the standards I desire in my life.

All I ask is that you pay attention to the messages that song or video or movie is portraying, and then ask yourself if it lives up to what you want in your life. Is that particular message THE message you want to send your children out into the world with?

My prayer for you today is that evil will not seep into your life, unannounced, through the media available in your home.

In His grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY TEN: New Relationships

Today is day ten of The 16 Days Campaign to end domestic abuse and violence against women. Having past the halfway mark, I would like to offer a day of hope for survivors. Today I will present lists of early warning signs and red flags and also steps women can take to guard against abuse in new relationships.

Having gotten out of an abusive relationship is mighty reason to celebrate. Congratulations on your success, if you are a survivor. These lists will help you determine whether a new interest is worthy of your love. However, they are only lists of red flags and not written in stone. As such, use your God-given intuition to guide you in choosing your next partner more so than lists. They are meant as guidelines because as you yourself are healing, you will recognize that others also have the ability to change and improve. Their past does not necessarily predict their future, as I’ve been trying to show you that your past does not have to predict your future, either.

You are a strong, beautiful person and deserve to be in a strong, beautiful relationship. In the beginning, set aside those lustful “new romance” type feelings so that you can really get to know the other person. Please do not hop from relationship to relationship, from bed to bed, as this does not help the situation. I do not say this from a Christian perspective so much as from someone who has been there and done that. This is a plea to let the new relationship grow before adding sex into the mix; for sex confuses the issue, especially if a child results from the encounter.

Red Flags

• Alcohol or drug use
• Record of getting into fights or destroying property
• Chronically unemployed and not seeking work
• Speaks disrespectfully to other women in your presence, especially his mother or sisters
• Name calling, put downs, or vulgar comments about you or others
• Physically rough with you or with animals
• Anger issues
• Plays the blame game frequently
• Starts to control where you go and who you can see
• Forces sexual intimacy when you are not ready or do not want it
• Cheats or has multiple partners, lengthy list of “conquests”
• Takes advantage of your good nature
• Takes money or other belongings from you and sees it as a right to do so
• Unwarranted accusations of flirting or cheating
• Does not pay attention to your interests, opinions, or feelings
• Things always have to be his way
• Silent treatment
• Lies
• Stands you up for dates or other obligations
• Disappears for days at a time without appropriate reason
• Expects you to dress and act a certain way, doesn’t let you be you
• Threatens suicide if you attempt to break up
• Says he cannot live without you
• Mood swings
• Compares you to former partners

 

Some questions to ask yourself about the relationship

• Do you feel tied down?
• Do you feel like you have to check in or get his permission?
• Are you afraid to speak your own mind or bring up certain subjects?
• Do you believe you are difficult to love?
• Do you believe if you could just love him enough, everything would be okay?
• Do you cry often?
• Are you depressed or generally unhappy in this relationship?
• Do you worry about how to please him or how to keep him happy?

These lists are adapted from the Domestic Abuse Project (http://www.domesticabuseproject.org)

Even with all the red flags and warnings, the bottom line is that if we want better in our relationships, it has to start with getting better ourselves. If you cannot afford counseling or you cannot spare the time for a support group, I highly recommend reading self-help books. Become a voracious reader in your spare time, instead of watching television. If you take public transportation, read on the way to work. Read during your lunch break. Read while waiting for the doctor or other appointments.

A word of caution, however, not all self-help books are created equal. If one does not resonate with you, set it aside and start another one. I have often found that the ones I have cast aside, later become great allies. Or they end up in the goodwill box.

Her is a short list of books I have found helpful over the years:

• The Bible — find an easy-to-read version especially if this is new for you. The King James Version is not the best place to start. I heard of but have not yet read The Voice Bible, which is written in novel format and is said to be very easy to read.
• Who Moved My Cheese? By Spence Johnson and Kenneth Blanchard — A quick read but very helpful in dealing with change in your life.
• Broken body, Wounded Spirit, by Celeste Cooper — A devotional for chronic pain sufferers, but it has an interesting perspective for all of life’s challenges.
• Messy, by A.J Swoboda — Finding beauty, meaning, purpose, and joy in a messy life.
• Sifted: God’s Scandalous Response to Satan’s Outrageous Demand, by Rick Lawrence — Excellent biblical perspective on why we go through such trying times.
  Two Scoops of Grace with Chuckles on Top, by Jeanette Levellie —Humorous reminders of God’s handiwork in our lives.
• Calm My Anxious Heart, by Linda Dillow — A woman’s guide to finding contentment.
• Love Must Be Tough, by Dr. James Dobson — Straightforward advice for building relationships.
• Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud — Setting healthy boundaries in your relationships. In fact, I would recommend any of the books by these two authors. They have helped me tremendously in sorting through my past and my relationship issues.
• Living, Loving, and Learning, by Leo Buscaglia —I would also recommend any and all of his books. He was the first author who really resonated with my soul and began to teach me about love, while I was still in an abusive relationship years ago.

This is just a short list of my favorite self-help reads.

My prayer for you today is that you could hear that special message that will reach deep inside to unlock your full potential.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY EIGHT: The Cycle of Abuse

Today is day eight of the 16 days Campaign. We are halfway there. We will end the cycle of abuse, one precious life at a time.

Today’s topic is the cycle of abuse. As I see it, there are several cycles involved in abuse. One being a familial cycle, in that if children witness abuse, they are more likely to end up in abusive relationships themselves (Women mostly as victims and men mostly as perpetrators. Sorry, but it is not sexist or judgmental if it is a statistical fact). Another cycle is hopping from one abusive relationship to another, and this can be very devastating for the victim and any children involved, if she does not learn how to avoid such relationships in the future. More on this topic later.

Another cycle of abuse is the cycle that can happen almost on a daily basis in some relationships. That cycle of abuse goes something like this:

The perpetrator in the relationship will inflict abuse—whether it is mental, emotional, physical, or sexual, it does not matter—the cycle still works the same. During the abuse phase, the perpetrator will oftentimes get angry (but not always, for my abuser was very methodical and controlled in his abuse). There will be a breakdown in communication, and arguments will ensue, even though the victim knows that this will lead to more abuse. She will try to keep the abuser calm, placating him with offers of sex or whatever has worked in the past. The victim and any children involved feel they are always walking on eggshells.

After the abuse phase comes the make-up phase. Whether the abuser accepts responsibility for his actions or not, he will apologize and promise it will never happen again. He does this to calm the victim and keep her tied to him. She tries to believe him, and thus thinks that she should not leave because he “promised” to do better next time, even though he has broken that same promise many times in the past. He may even blame her for his actions or deny anything abusive even happened. These tactics work to confuse her and brainwash her into believing it is her fault or that she is over-exaggerating.

Then there will be a phase of relative calm, and the perpetrator will act as if nothing ever happened. He may continue the make-up phase by plying her with gifts or flowers or being extra nice. This makes his victim believe that the abuse is finally over. She begins to hope again, but in essence, he is setting her up for an even bigger fall next time.

This cycle repeats over and over. Sometimes the cycle can repeat several times in a single day, and other times, it could take months for a single cycle. Oftentimes, as the abuse escalates, the make-up phase and the calm will totally disappear, leaving only the abuse.

Excuses are often made for the abuse and the abuser. They say it is caused by substance abuse or because he is under a lot of stress. Or they may even go so far as to say that the abuser doesn’t know any better or that the victim deserved it.

These are all false. I am especially emphatic that no one deserves to be abused.

Substance abuse and stress do not cause domestic violence. They may increase the intensity, but they are not the cause. An abuser has learned to use these tactics to get his way, to stay in control. He makes the choice to abuse. He is not an innocent victim of his lifestyle.

Furthermore, just because an abuser comes from an abusive past or he witnessed it in his family growing up does not give him the right to claim that he “doesn’t know any better.” Everyone can learn to do better. Everyone can grow beyond their past mistakes and/or family history.

It is all a choice. He can continue to choose to abuse, or he can hold himself to a higher standard and work to improve not only himself but his relationships.

People may also say, “If it were really that bad, she would leave.”

I can say from personal experience that leaving isn’t always easy. I believed I had nowhere else to go, partly because he told me no one would ever want me and partly from my family history. I believed no one would help me get free. I had lost all hope. Plus I had a twisted sense of respect and honor (started in my childhood and spurred on by my abuser), and believed I had to hold my tiny family together and take the abuse for the sake of stability for my kids.

Sometimes, leaving can be dangerous. He may threaten to kill her or to take her children from her—he could also threaten to kill someone closed to her. The most dangerous time for many survivors is when she finally takes a stand and attempts to leave. Even so, it is possible to leave and it is possible to have an actual loving, caring relationship—free from abuse—in the future.

As bystanders, family members, and friends, we must do all we can to believe her. We must believe what she says is true, even if we do not understand why she won’t or can’t leave. She most likely does not feel safe enough to leave, or else she has lost all hope of a better future and needs a compassionate soul to unconditionally love her and to help her get free.

Once free, the best thing an abuse survivor can do for herself is to not jump right into another relationship; for this can lead into the lifestyle of being a victim. She needs to trust that she does not need a man in her life to take care of her. She needs to allow herself the time to heal and to learn how to find a better mate, next time around. If she does not give herself time to heal and grow personally, then she will inevitably end up right back into another abusive relationship (or back with the original abuser) and this next relationship is often worse than the first one, because she has already been beaten down, “primed” for the abuse to happen again.

These may sound like harsh words, but they are spoken in love from one abuse survivor to another. This cycle can be overcome.

My prayer for you today is one of compassion. I pray that if you are a victim, a compassionate angel will step up, take your hand, and lead to a better life. And I pray that if you are a family member or friend, you will be that compassionate angel for your hurting sister or friend.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY SEVEN: The Culture of Fear

Today we are ending the first full week of the 16 Days Campaign. Has it been a struggle getting through all this, so far? Have you feared what other shoe might drop in your own life?

“There is no fear in love.” 1 John 4:18

Did you know that the opposite of love is not hate?

The opposite of love is fear.

All that I have presented up to this point in The 16 Days Campaign, aside from my day of thanks, reflects a sense of fear in the lives of the victims and children involved in domestic abuse and violence.

Rather than speak directly about the fear, today let’s take a different tact and speak about the love which is available to all of us, and also a bit of my personal testimony about love conquering fear.

The first love I want to talk about is the love that gets us into the most trouble. It is eros love. This love is more in the sense of being in love, as opposed to sexual desire; although, sexual desire is part of eros love. This love is more concerned with what we can get out of the relationship, true, but at the same time, it promotes the desire to submit ourselves to another, the one we love. This is romantic love, if viewed in its purest sense. While being a very profound experience, it can lead to evil (such as sexual addiction, violence, and pornography) as well as leading to a fully satisfying marriage relationship.

As such, we must take care to keep our eros love pure, respectful, and self-sacrificing rather than self-serving. This is not to say we should submit ourselves to abuse, however; for we must maintain love and respect for ourselves as well as for our partner.

The second is philia love. This is basically a brotherly love, friendship at its deepest sense. It is love between friends and represents one of the strongest bonds between people. According to C.S. Lewis, it is a love that is freely chosen but not necessary for the survival of the species.

And then there is the greatest of loves, agape love, which is a deep caring or godly love for someone even if you do not know them well or approve of their behaviors. This is the God level of love. This is unconditional love. Although it is at the God level, people can and do reach this level all the time. If you can show compassion for your enemy, then you are demonstrating agape love. Moreover, if you can put your differences aside and work on a solution together, amicably rather than fighting incessantly, this too is agape love, because you are putting the needs of the other, the needs of the whole, and the search for an honorable solution before your own needs. Setting your own comfort aside to help another is agape love, and it is a very good and honorable thing to do.

I have not always managed to attain this level of love in my relationships, and I have asked Our Lord’s forgiveness in this matter. My past was so shattered that for a long time, I did not even consider myself worthy of love, let alone worthy of agape love from another human being, and so those who had hurt me in the past, I allowed to continue to hurt me by not setting our differences aside and working on an honorable solution. Please don’t take this to mean that I did not care for the ones who were hurting me. I loved them very deeply and I tried to be in relationship with them, but every day my heart was being broken repeatedly by their deeds and their words spoken to me and against me. I eventually had to make the heartbreaking decision that it was best for my own health to pull back. Because I was seriously ill at the time, I was being told by my doctor, my husband, and others who truly cared about me, that I needed to get the stress out of my life if I ever wanted to heal. Otherwise, they warned, I was on the brink of being hospitalized because I kept getting sicker instead of better, despite valiant efforts where my medical treatment was concerned.

Because of the grave state my own health was in, I allowed my anxiety to reign, and I grew to fear any contact with the people who were hurting me and spreading lies about me. I lost out on working toward closeness and closure with a very dear loved one because he passed away without ever acknowledging the depth of my pain and illness and also the extent of my heartbreak from what he was saying to me and about me. He died without ever really knowing who I am, without him ever putting an end to the lies and hurtful words he was saying. I did not know how to make him stop, even though I tried my best to stay in relationship and to make him understand how much I loved him despite me being unable to physically be there for him (because of the severe extent of my own illness); but when I pulled away from the relationship, it seemed to only antagonize him further into more hurtful words.

This person was an alcoholic. Alcoholism is one of my challenges in relationship. It can tear a family apart, and because of my family history, I have never been able to deal well with an active (or dry) alcoholic. I am not nor have I ever been an alcoholic, but I have been surrounded by alcoholism my entire life, and the culture of fear I grew up in colored so many of my decisions, throughout my entire life. I feared becoming addicted to alcohol and so I have been very careful not to fall into that trap, but more devastating was my fear of becoming addicted to pain pills because of my familial connection to addiction. Because of this fear, I suffered needlessly in pain, crying every night in severe pain, because I did not want to become addicted. I was denying myself comfort; I was denying myself the self love that could have soothed so many of my fears. I did not love myself enough to accept that I deserved to be pain-free just as much as the next person. I also did not trust in Our Lord enough to know that His love could help me out of this cycle of fear and ultimately keep me from addiction.

I did fall into addiction for a short time. This is difficult for me to admit. Before my healing took place, my pain was so severe, I could not stand it anymore. I finally asked my doctor to prescribe something a few months before we left on our mission. Then I turned to these drugs to soothe not only my physical pain but also my emotional pain. It became a vicious cycle, where I would cry myself to sleep because no matter how much morphine or Vicodin I took, the pain never left my body, and I would wake up a few hours later with my whole body shaking because I was in so much pain. It had been years since I had a good night’s sleep, and even though I now had the drugs to combat the pain, my body was so devastated, so ravaged by the illness and unrelenting pain for so many years, that no amount of drugs was going to soothe it.

I finally got to the point that I prayed for deliverance, for an end to it all. If God wasn’t going to give me divine healing, then I wanted to be dead because I could not take any more pain. I stopped taking all my meds, even those for the Lyme disease and adrenal insufficiency and my myriad of other issues, and I fasted for two days, trusting that God would deliver me one way or the other.

I continued to trust day-by-day for a week, setting aside my fears that the pain would never end. I had to let go of the fear that was keeping me in bondage to my pain. Then we enlisted the help of a very mighty prayer team, when my husband asked if our pastor at our new church here in Beaumont could pray healing over me.

It was amazing. I was released. From the illness. From the fear. From the worst of my pain.

I still have pain, but it is not like it used to be. I am old and I am fat and it is winter. Those are three strikes against me at this point. It will take time to get my body back into shape, but I am continuing to trust in Our Lord, and my fear of the pain is gone.

Even though I was raised in an dysfunctional alcoholic home and grew to fear just about everything and I grew up not feeling loved or even wanted, God set me free from all that.

My prayer for you today is that you would ask God to heal you of your deep-set fears.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY SIX: The Impact of Abuse on Financial Stability

Wow. We are trucking right along. It is day six already, of the 16 Days Campaign. My topic for today is how domestic abuse can damage a woman’s entire outlook on life, and especially her financial outlook.

Whether a woman is born into poverty or not, the abuse she suffers will work to put her into the mindset of not being worthy of anything better than what she already has. This stems from being told she is worthless and that nobody else would ever want her. These abusive affronts to her very soul, (defaming her abilities and her outer and inner beauty and her intelligence) will ensure that she stays poor or becomes poor.

Then it becomes a vicious cycle a woman and her family have to fight tooth and nail to become free from.

I worked many years in physically demanding jobs because I did not believe I could ever get a sit-down job or even something above minimum wage. I believed that I had to prove myself, and physical prowess was easy for me to portray, even though I suffered horrific pain every day, in part because of my choice to work these physically demanding jobs, and in part because I chose to believe the lies of others instead of the Holy Spirit whispering in my ear that I was worthy and beautiful and that Jesus wanted me, even if my fellow humans did not.

I have since been healed of this mindset (thank You, Lord), but I am still not out of poverty. The financial impact of abuse can last a lifetime.

My husband and I barely scrape by every month, and I take at least part blame in this because I never thought myself capable of accomplishing anything important in my life, even though I had received high honors all through school and again in my three years of college.

In the back of my mind I have always known that God had gifted me with an intelligent mind and the ability to write, but I never believed that anyone would want what I had to offer. It was only by the grace of God that I can now write this blog and reach out my hand to help others who are suffering needlessly at the hands of others.

My prayer for you today is that you might realize your God-given worth, talents, and beauty.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY FIVE: The Impact of Abuse on the Community

Today, being day five of The 16 Days Campaign to end domestic abuse and violence against women, I would like to share how domestic violence is not just a problem within a family, but within the entire community—every community.

Intimate partner violence, also known as domestic abuse, is a major public health problem, but more than that, when a child or young woman first experiences abuse or violence, it closes her off from the vital support she needs and opens her up to even more abuse and physical and mental health problems. It becomes a vicious cycle, and we must break this cycle for ourselves, for our daughters, for the sake of all.

Many who experience domestic abuse, sexual abuse, and violence at the hands of the ones they love also experience physical injury, depression, anxiety and panic attacks, sexually transmitted diseases, complications during pregnancy, and many other health consequences related to the added stress, such as irritable bowel syndrome and other digestive disorders, chronic pain and headaches, difficulty sleeping, substance abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, and suicide attempts.

It is a very complicated personal and societal problem, but it is also a problem that we must face head-on, if we ever expect to eradicate it from our families, our community, and from the world as a whole.

Intimate partner violence takes a heavy toll, not only on the victim, but on the family and all of society.

Being fearful of a loved one and being constantly concerned for one’s safety and the safety of one’s children is a tragic way to live. Yet one of the tactics an abuser uses is to cut his victim off from outside help.

There are many societal effects of domestic violence.

A woman who has been abused in the past, will oftentimes find herself in another violent or abusive relationship. Her self-esteem will have suffered and because of this, she will not be the fully productive member of society that God intended for her. For each person is special and each person has a specific purpose in the eyes of God. When we allow ourselves or another woman to continue in a life of abuse, we are not lifting high our/her God-given rights and gifts. If children live in abusive situations or unsafe situations, we teach them that this lifestyle is acceptable and that there is no other way. But when we love and nurture a child, we can bring them out of this mindset.

In abuse situations, the proper family values are not being passed along, but instead a grotesquely twisted version of respect evolves, where children believe they must protect their parents at all costs, if they want their tenuously small measure of safety to remain intact.

We can heal a society of this problem.

Unfortunately an attitude of “Not my job” has infiltrated our world. Individuals believe the responsibility is up to the government or social programs, and the government balks and the social programs scream because they are wearing thin.

But then there are the individuals who scream that the government should stay out of the family. Yet these same folk, are they willing to step up and help a woman or child or even a man out of the muck of domestic violence and into the light of a better life?

I will leave that question asked and unanswered because I am getting fairly close to judging, and I do not want to go there.

We must put our action where our mouth is. That is the bottom line with any problem we face in this world.

We must put our action where our mouth is.

It does no good to simply say its a shame that violence and abuse are prevalent in our world. It only does good if we act responsibly on our words. We must do all we can, if we expect this problem to be resolved.

My prayer for you today is for you to ask yourself in your heart, “If not now, when?”

In His Name,

Jennifer Joy

DAY FOUR: Thankful Even In Times of Pain

Today is day four of The 16 Days Campaign to end domestic abuse and violence against women.

Since today is Thanksgiving Day in the United States, I thought I would change tactics a bit, where The 16 Days Campaign is concerned.

Up to this point I have been sharing a lot of pain and statistics, and having so much pain in constant view can dampen the soul. Therefore, I believe it is important to give thanks and count our blessings whenever we can.

Even on my worst days, I try to find something to be thankful for, some small blessing God has placed in my life. It is a matter of a perspective change, an attitude adjustment.

So, here is my short list of blessings and what I have to be thankful for today.

First, I am thankful to have Jesus in my heart, and the Holy Spirit guiding my decisions and actions.

I am thankful that I found a wonderful man, my second husband. He shares his love, compassion, and devotion with me, even when I do not believe I deserve it.

I am blessed greatly that I have my daughter back in my life and that I can see positive things happening in her life and the lives of those around her, simply for having spent time with her.

I am blessed that my son is able to cover all his own bills and that he has a good head on his shoulders and looks toward the future more than the past, all at the tender age of 21.

I am saddened because my son is no longer geographically close to me, since we moved to Southern California from Oregon. But I am blessed that he and I can text often.

I am blessed to have two wonderful dogs, each with her own personality and ability to bolster my mood at a moment’s notice.

I am blessed that even though the bank account is empty, we have enough food in our bellies and in our cupboards. And I am blessed to now have love constantly surrounding me, even in these very difficult times.

I am blessed to have all of you on my side, to help in the fight against domestic violence and the homeless epidemic among our families.

I am thankful that Our Lord chose me, when He laid this heavy mission on my heart, and I am grateful that He then healed me of my past so that I could carry out the mission He has chosen me for.

I am thankful for The Lord’s healing touch in my life.

My prayer for you today is that you could recognize the small blessings that shower down around all of us every day.

In Thanksgiving,

Jennifer Joy

DAY THREE: Hidden In Plain Sight

Today is day three of The 16 Days Campaign to end domestic abuse and violence against women.

There is not a country, a state, a community, or a family that is not touched by domestic violence in one way or another. It happens in poor families and rich families alike. There is no guarantee that you yourself will not become a victim someday. If you have escaped the abuse and brutality up to this point, then you are blessed among us, for far too many have been victimized already.

We cannot know a person’s history or pain just by looking at them. Even so, the legal system (The Portland Police, specifically, as reported in the Oregonian, December 2, 2009) have come up with some indicators that we can all learn from. They are as follows.

Lethality Indicators (as seen in the perpetrator)

• Perceived loss of control over the victim through separation, divorce, or the victim fleeing.
• Extreme jealousy
• Escalation of abuse
• Acts of abuse in public
• Threats of suicide or homicide
• Plans to carry out either suicide or homicide
• Use of weapons, or the threat to use weapons
• Stalking
• History of mental health problems
• Substance abuse
• History of sexual abuse of the victim or children
• Violation of protective orders or restraining orders

If you are not aware of your own status (whether you are a victim or not), the following lists might help.

Do You:

• Feel afraid or your partner much of the time?
• Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• Feel that you cannot do anything right for your partner?
• Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• Wonder if you are the one who is crazy?
• Feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Does Your Partner:

• Humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
• Treat you so badly that you are embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• Blame you for his own abusive behavior?
• See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
• Act excessively jealous and possessive?
• Control where you go or what you do?
• Keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• Constantly check up on you?
• Have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• Threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• Force you to have sex?
• Destroy your belongings?

Perpetrators use the various forms of abuse to gain and maintain total control over their victims. Along with the most obvious (physical violence), dominance, humiliation, isolation, threats, intimidation, and blame are some of the tactics a perpetrator may use.

With the gracious permission of the Domestic Abuse Intervention Program in Deluth, Minnesota (http://theduluthmodel.org/), here are some graphics to show the tactics commonly used by abusers to achieve and maintain control over their partner/victim.  

My prayer for you today is that, as a bystander, you could recognize abuse when you see it in the life of another.

In His Name,

Jennifer Joy

DAY TWO: Statistical Evidence

Today is day two of The 16 Days Campaign.

Today I will simply present you with some facts. These statistics are sobering, and they are also disgraceful. How can we as a family, a community allow this to continue?

These statistics are according to the Domestic Violence Statistics website.

Worldwide, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused during her lifetime. The perpetrators are often members of her own family.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women.

Children learn abuse behaviors by witnessing abuse and mistreatment of their mother or another family member every day within their own families. Then they oftentimes either become a perpetrator themselves or a victim because they do not know any other way of life besides what they have lived through.

Men who witness domestic violence while growing up are twice as likely to later perpetrate in their own adult relationships.

Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the United States alone.

According to reports, up to 95% of women who have been abused never contact support organizations, shelters, or police for help. (I believe that this number is not exaggerated. I will elaborate my reasoning as the days progress.)

 

If you are being abused or know someone who is, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233).

 

The CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS) is an ongoing, nationally-represented telephone survey that collects detailed information on sexual violence, stalking, and intimate partner violence victimization from adult women and men in the United States. NISVS is the first ongoing survey dedicated solely to describing and monitoring these forms of violence as public health issues. Their survey can be found at here.

I have summarized some of the facts for you, as follows:

More than 1 in 3 women and more than 1 in 4 men in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

Among victims of intimate partner violence, more than 1 in 3 women experienced multiple forms of rape, stalking or physical violence.

Nearly 1 in 10 women in the United States has been raped by an intimate partner, and 16.9% of women and 8.0% of men have experienced sexual violence other than rape by an intimate partner.

About 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner.

10.7% of women and 2.1% of men have been stalked by an intimate partner.

Nearly half of all women and men in the United States have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner.

Nearly 1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men in the United States have been raped at some time in their lives.

More than half of women who have reported being raped say they were raped by an intimate partner, such as a boyfriend, romantic interest, or spouse.

Among men, more than half report being raped by an acquaintance.

It is estimated that 13% of women and 6% of men have experienced sexual coercion.

79.6% of female rape victims experienced their first rape before the age of 25 years.

42.2% of female rape victims experienced their first rape before the age of 18 years.

More than one quarter of male rape victims experienced their first rape before they were 10 years of age.

My prayer for you today is that these statistics will help to open your eyes, your mind, and your heart.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY ONE: Breaking The Silence

Today we enter into the 16 Days Campaign.

The 16 Days Campaign is an international campaign against domestic abuse and violence. This year’s theme is “From Peace in the Home to Peace in the World” and more specifically the worldwide effort of the next 16 days will be activism against gender-based violence and militarism.

It runs from November 25, 2013 to December 10, 2013, and the significance of these two dates are as follows: November 25 is the UN International Day of Elimination of Violence Against Women and December 10 is the International Human Rights Day.

My personal contribution to this effort will focus mostly on domestic abuse and violence against women, as I myself am an abuse and rape survivor. I do recognize that domestic violence is also perpetrated against men and boys, and this fact will be highlighted in some of my writings as well.

To begin, I will provide some basic definitions of abuse. In order to effect change on an individual and societal level, we all must have a clear understanding of what abuse is and how it affects those involved, and we all must do our part to initiate and foster healthy, loving relationships in the lives of those around us.

I gleaned some of this information from the National Institute of Justice, and you can go directly to their site for further information, at http://www.nij.gov/nij/topics/crime/intimate-partner-violence/welcome.htm

Thank you for taking the time to educate yourself about domestic abuse, or as it is now called, intimate partner violence.

Some Helpful Definitions

Intimate Partner Violence: AKA domestic violence, domestic abuse, spousal abuse. Physical, sexual, or psychological harm by a current or former intimate partner or spouse. It can occur among heterosexual and same-sex couples. It effects all parts of the victim’s life, including health (immediate and long-term), family dynamics and the welfare of any children involved, and community and societal connectedness.

Physical Violence: The intentional use of physical force (shoving, choking, shaking, slapping, punching, burning, or the use of weapons, restraints, or one’s own strength against another person) with the potential for causing death, disability, injury, or physical harm.

Sexual Violence: Sexual abuse is any contact or threat of contact of a sexual nature in which the victim is forced to participate in a sexually related activity that is unwanted, unsafe, or degrading. Sexual abuse can and does happen even in the marriage bed. This includes (1) the use of physical force to compel a person to engage in a sexual act unwillingly, whether or not the act is completed. (2) An attempted or completed sexual act involving a person who, because of intimidation or pressure, is unable to understand the nature or condition of the act, decline participation, or communicate unwillingness to engage in the act. (3) Abusive sexual contact.

Threats of Physical or Sexual Violence: Communication of the intent to cause death, disability, injury, or physical harm through the use of words, gestures, or weapons.

Psychological/Emotional Violence: Traumatization of the victim by acts, threats of acts, or coercive tactics (humiliation, controlling what the victim can and cannot do, withholding information, isolating the victim from friends and family, denying access to money or other basic resources). In most cases, emotional violence has been preceded by or is simultaneous with acts or threats of physical or sexual violence.

Stalking: Harassing or threatening behavior that an individual engages in repeatedly, such as sending the victim unwanted presents, following or laying in wait for the victim, damaging or threatening to damage the victim’s property, appearing at a victim’s home or place of business, defaming the victim’s character or spreading rumors, or harassing the victim via the Internet by posting personal information.

My prayer for you today and for the next sixteen days is that your mind and your heart will be open to understanding and solving this very serious problem.