Guilt Complex, Gone

I should recognize by now that if I start having troubled sleep, if I start to falter in my Walk, if depression begins to come upon me, then God is once again working his magic in my soul. For my soul upheavals are not without reward.

And, oh, how sweet the rewards when God troubles my soul.

For several weeks, I tossed and turned, having bad dreams about false accusations. These dreams tormented not only my sleep, but also my waking hours, because I did not know why I kept having this recurrent theme. No one has troubled me with lies and false blame in almost a year now.

In my past, I have suffered many false accusations. I won’t go into too much detail, but a person very dear to me had the habit of throwing me under the bus when she was caught in a lie. We were very close (or so I wished), but no matter how desperately I wanted to share  my most intimate secrets with her, I simply could not trust her. I could not trust that she would keep my secrets, and I could not trust that she would not twist my truth into something grotesque and punishing.

From all her lies and from others believing her lies, I have suffered horribly from a guilt complex since childhood.

On top of that, I also have suffered from Lyme disease since childhood. No one believed I was sick. No one believed I was almost always in severe pain. I was accused of being a hypochondriac, once again spurred on by the lies spread by my dearest loved one.

Adding insult to injury, Lyme is a very real disease caught in the ugly political-ness of the CDC and insurance red tape. The CDC is influenced by insurance lobbyists, with their single goal being to save themselves money, even at the expense of the American public. This is a whole ball of wax I don’t wish to get into, for its negativity, but if you are interested in learning more, I would suggest checking out the video, “Under Our Skin.” As a result of the insurance industry’s political agenda, I and other Lyme sufferers have been accused of lying and of being hypochondriacs. I have had a whole slew of medical professionals deny my pain and my illness, for years.

There are plenty of other people and issues I could add to this list of false accusations, but I won’t. I’m not saying that I have never been guilty of things. I am not perfect. Far from it. I have sinned plenty, but the guilt complex came about because of unwarranted lies and accusations.

It is a myth that if we have a guilty conscience, then we must be guilty.

The truth is often that we have suffered blame at the hands of others once too often.

In my final dream on the subject, I found myself standing before a long line of my accusers. Some I recognized, of course, but some I did not, because they belonged to the CDC and insurance industry, and also among them were medical professionals I did not immediately recognize. Fear and terror seized my heart as I stood alone in front of them. Then all of a sudden, Jesus was beside me. I did not have to look to my right to know He was there. His presence and His voice were unmistakable.

He said, “Tell the first one to step forward.”

I reluctantly motioned for her to come.

Jesus said, “Ask her to say what she came to say.”

I reluctantly asked, as tears threatened to escape.

She said her lies, cast her blame.

Then Jesus said, “Now, tell her she is lying, tell her that you forgive her, and then send her on her way.”

I did as He asked. My heart felt a tiny bit better.

She went to the end of the line, so that she could once again come forward with more lies and blame when her turn came again.

We went through several more people in the line, with Jesus asking me to tell each of them the same thing. I was starting to feel better about myself. Eventually, He simply said, “Tell them what for,” as each one stepped up. “Go ahead,” He lovingly encouraged, as He motioned their way.

When I awoke, my guilt complex was completely gone. I was free. My temporary fight with depression was gone.

Now, before you jump all over me about vindication, let me state that what Jesus was asking me to do in my dream had nothing to do with vindication. I know vindication flies in the face of Jesus’ teaching about turning the other cheek. But I did not argue my truth. I did not lash out at my accusers. I was calm in dealing with each one because I had my Savior by my side. I felt no need to vindicate myself with Jesus there, holding my hand. He simply told me to tell them I knew they were lying, forgive them, and send them on their way.

Through this dream, God closed the book on my guilty conscience.

When I woke up, The Holy Spirit then led me to read the book of Ezra. Here is the biblical truth I learned about false accusations:

In a quick summary, King Cyrus allowed some of the exiles to return to Jerusalem to rebuild the house of God, to fulfill the prophesy spoken by Jeremiah (Ezra 1:1-3), and he also returned the temple articles that King Nebuchadnezzar had taken (Ezra 1:7). It didn’t take long for enemies of the exiles to frustrate their plans (Ezra 4:4-16). During the reign of subsequent kings, they continued making things difficult for the builders of the temple. They launched a specific complaint in a letter to Artaxerxes about how Jerusalem had always been a rebellious and wicked city (Ezra 4:12), and so Artaxerxes issued an order to stop work, so that the city would not be rebuilt (Ezra 4:21). During the reign of Darius, the Jews once again began building the temple, having the support and guidance of the prophets, and their enyy6emies once again tried to stir up trouble (Ezra 5:2-3). In response, the Jews stated in a letter to King Darius that they were working on the temple and the city by the decree of King Cyrus. Their letter is found in verses 5:11-17. At the end of the letter, they ask King Darius to do a thorough search of the archives, so that Darius may discover the truth for himself. This truth is verified and Darius’ response is found in verses 6:3-12. King Darius not only upheld the decree of his predecessor, but he also ordered that the accusers pay the expenses for rebuilding from the royal treasury and the revenues of Trans-Euphrates. The accusers had to give everything the Jews needed for the construction and also for the burnt offerings. King Darius furthermore decreed that anyone who continued to make trouble would be put to death.

Wow! What a turnaround. When questioned by their accusers, the elders calmly stated their case, and the truth prevailed because God saw their suffering, and He provided relief as only He can.

God sees our suffering. God knows our pain. God knows when we have been wrongly accused, just as He knew that the Jewish elders had been wrongly accused of building without permission. The elders did not seek to vindicate themselves. They did not seek retribution for years of being maligned and kept from their mission. All they wanted was to continue rebuilding the temple, as God had asked. Then, God provided the means necessary to finish the task without any further interference.

It is beautiful, the workings of Our Lord. He touched deep within my pain and healed yet another wound. He is so good to me.

My prayer for you today is that you may find healing for your inmost wounds.

In His grace,

Jennifer Joy

Personal Best: Part Four: Well Grounded

This is the final in the series on raising the bar. As I mentioned in the first post, I believe that if we can achieve one, then the other three will follow. This is the one that I believe is the key. Being properly grounded makes everything else easier in life.

But what do I mean by being grounded? Many people talk about having their head in the clouds, or being flighty. These are the opposite of being grounded.

To be grounded means that we have a solid foundation to stand on. It means that we are focused and present in the now (not ten minutes from now and not two weeks from now). Our minds are not racing ahead to fantastical what-ifs. We are calm.

When we are not grounded, everything can become unraveled easily because we tend to be overly emotional. We get upset or angry for unworthy reasons. We get frustrated when things don’t go as we expect, often because our expectations are not based in reality.

So, how can we get grounded? For a quick situational fix, the easiest thing to do is breathe. Concentrate on your breath and let it bring you back to the present. This is not only for the negative events in our lives, but also for those events that are too stimulating to take in all at once. If you find you are getting too excited (about anything, get your mind out of the gutter, although that’s a good reason, as well) and you subsequently find your mind racing, then breathe. Deep breaths. In and out. Until the excitement is under control.

When emotions are allowed to run rampant (as in our over-excitement), we make decisions that we later regret. We react instead of act. What I mean by this is that actions are premeditated. We have spent time in making the decision to do the action. Whereas, reactions are spontaneous. We don’t think. We let the circumstances or the emotions or someone else make decisions for us. And this is not good.

So breathe.

And then when you are calmer, while you are still breathing, think.

Where can we find a solid foundation to stand on? We can find this by exerting wiser choices in who we choose to be in relationship with. This is a good starting point, but the most important relationship, the only one that can truly be our rock to stand on, is Jesus.

When we give ourselves over to Jesus, and we follow His teachings, then we have our solid foundation. If all our decisions are based on biblical truths, then we can be sure we are making good, wholesome, honorable decisions in our lives.

I hear you when you say that The Bible was written several millennia ago. You think its outdated. I understand your concerns. However, when we are in relationship with Jesus, and we have the Holy Spirit whispering truths in our ears, we begin to understand. We begin to see how The Bible is still relevant today. Trust me. Or better yet, trust God’s Word. If you earnestly endeavor to find life’s answers in The Bible, a whole new world will be opened up to you. It is as simple as saying a prayer and opening the book. If you are not sure where to start, the Psalms is always a good choice, and it can be found right in the middle of The Bible. The Book of John is another great choice. Galatians is my personal favorite. It teaches me that grace is based on faith and not on our silly human strivings. Through faith, I am a new creation. I don’t have to jump through any hoops or prove anything to anybody. God knows my heart, and so He reads my heart directly. Without striving constantly to prove my worthiness, an unspeakable joy fills me as I go about my daily chores. Since I don’t have to prove myself anymore, I eagerly work for His Kingdom, to share this wondrous joy with others and give them hope for their own joy, found only in the unconditional love of Our Savior.

So that is my prayer for you today, that you might be open to receiving the Joy of Christ.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY SIX: The Impact of Abuse on Financial Stability

Wow. We are trucking right along. It is day six already, of the 16 Days Campaign. My topic for today is how domestic abuse can damage a woman’s entire outlook on life, and especially her financial outlook.

Whether a woman is born into poverty or not, the abuse she suffers will work to put her into the mindset of not being worthy of anything better than what she already has. This stems from being told she is worthless and that nobody else would ever want her. These abusive affronts to her very soul, (defaming her abilities and her outer and inner beauty and her intelligence) will ensure that she stays poor or becomes poor.

Then it becomes a vicious cycle a woman and her family have to fight tooth and nail to become free from.

I worked many years in physically demanding jobs because I did not believe I could ever get a sit-down job or even something above minimum wage. I believed that I had to prove myself, and physical prowess was easy for me to portray, even though I suffered horrific pain every day, in part because of my choice to work these physically demanding jobs, and in part because I chose to believe the lies of others instead of the Holy Spirit whispering in my ear that I was worthy and beautiful and that Jesus wanted me, even if my fellow humans did not.

I have since been healed of this mindset (thank You, Lord), but I am still not out of poverty. The financial impact of abuse can last a lifetime.

My husband and I barely scrape by every month, and I take at least part blame in this because I never thought myself capable of accomplishing anything important in my life, even though I had received high honors all through school and again in my three years of college.

In the back of my mind I have always known that God had gifted me with an intelligent mind and the ability to write, but I never believed that anyone would want what I had to offer. It was only by the grace of God that I can now write this blog and reach out my hand to help others who are suffering needlessly at the hands of others.

My prayer for you today is that you might realize your God-given worth, talents, and beauty.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY FOUR: Thankful Even In Times of Pain

Today is day four of The 16 Days Campaign to end domestic abuse and violence against women.

Since today is Thanksgiving Day in the United States, I thought I would change tactics a bit, where The 16 Days Campaign is concerned.

Up to this point I have been sharing a lot of pain and statistics, and having so much pain in constant view can dampen the soul. Therefore, I believe it is important to give thanks and count our blessings whenever we can.

Even on my worst days, I try to find something to be thankful for, some small blessing God has placed in my life. It is a matter of a perspective change, an attitude adjustment.

So, here is my short list of blessings and what I have to be thankful for today.

First, I am thankful to have Jesus in my heart, and the Holy Spirit guiding my decisions and actions.

I am thankful that I found a wonderful man, my second husband. He shares his love, compassion, and devotion with me, even when I do not believe I deserve it.

I am blessed greatly that I have my daughter back in my life and that I can see positive things happening in her life and the lives of those around her, simply for having spent time with her.

I am blessed that my son is able to cover all his own bills and that he has a good head on his shoulders and looks toward the future more than the past, all at the tender age of 21.

I am saddened because my son is no longer geographically close to me, since we moved to Southern California from Oregon. But I am blessed that he and I can text often.

I am blessed to have two wonderful dogs, each with her own personality and ability to bolster my mood at a moment’s notice.

I am blessed that even though the bank account is empty, we have enough food in our bellies and in our cupboards. And I am blessed to now have love constantly surrounding me, even in these very difficult times.

I am blessed to have all of you on my side, to help in the fight against domestic violence and the homeless epidemic among our families.

I am thankful that Our Lord chose me, when He laid this heavy mission on my heart, and I am grateful that He then healed me of my past so that I could carry out the mission He has chosen me for.

I am thankful for The Lord’s healing touch in my life.

My prayer for you today is that you could recognize the small blessings that shower down around all of us every day.

In Thanksgiving,

Jennifer Joy

Zapato

Shoe.

Shoes.

Something about a shoe.

This is how The Lord talks to me sometimes. He was telling me that “when I find my shoe, no other shoe would ever drop.”

I know that He speaks in riddles, in parables, and therefore a shoe is not necessarily a shoe.

I also know that having no more shoes drop does not mean I will never have trouble in my life from that point forward. I’m not one of those Christians, the ones who have such a Polly-Anna attitude that they seem to block out all negativity and all painful emotions. Nope. I know bad things will happen. But I also know that, through it all, God is and will forever be by my side.

The significance of another shoe dropping in this hurting person’s life was a sense of constant dread that another overwhelming thing would inevitably befall me, to further destroy my life, my resolve, my well-being. I lived with this constant fear for a long time.

When The Holy Spirit promised, “no other shoe would ever drop,” He was promising that I would be capable of handling anything that came my way because I have Him to depend on. I have learned to trust again, and I have learned to depend on God to get me through things. It is a peace that surpasses understanding.

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phil 4:7

I will be able to handle anything that comes my way because I have Him to depend on. We are never promised, once we accept Christ as our savior, that we will live a life without strife, quite the contrary; however, we are promised that if we trust Him, we will be able to handle our problems without getting overwhelmed.

I found my shoe that is not a shoe. I immediately recognized her as my shoe, and then the facts just clicked to back up my overwhelming sense that this tiny Pit puppy was my shoe. She was essentially dropped on my daughter’s doorstep. She was no bigger than a shoe, being maybe three weeks old at the time. And her father’s name is Botas, which means boots.

His leading me through this has helped to bolster my confidence. It was another step in becoming the woman He created me to be. I am so very grateful for this vote of confidence from Our Benevolent Father.

“For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” 2 Cor 1:5

I named this little Pit pup “Zapato” because it means shoe. And to ease your fears, no, we did not take on yet another dog. My daughter is keeping her, but she is still my heart’s Zapato.

 

My prayer for you today is that you will come to experience the peace and comfort found in Christ’s loving sacrifice.

Blessings,

Jennifer Joy

Wrestling with Faith in Limited Personal Space

My days are so full lately. My nights as well.

It used to be that when I was very ill and very depressed, there was a duality to the passage of time. Days seemed to drag on forever, and the nights were even  worse. Yet, weeks and months seemed to zip right by, and I could not tell of a single productive thing I had accomplished in the past day, week, or even month.

Now, with all Our Lord has me doing for Him and His children (all of humankind but especially those of Southern California), days seem to pass all too quickly from sunrise to sunset.

Lately, when trying to tell someone when I did something, I have erroneously said that a week, two weeks, even a month had passed since I did whatever it was. But then I would look back at my journal, and I would be amazed to find that only half the span of time had actually passed since that activity’s notation. So again, there’s a mysterious discrepancy in the passage of time.

When I was terribly ill with depression, I could never understand the saying, “The more things you do, the more you can do” (Lucille Ball), because I struggled day in and day out just to get the basics done, if that. I lost far too many years to depression.

It is amazing what God can bring about in someone’s life, once the agony of depression has been conquered by His grace and love.

I find it quite peculiar, and yet it is exactly how I’ve come to understand the workings of God. Not that I fully understand, because no human can ever know the full will of God.

I also find it typically peculiar that after many nights of little sleep (because that is mostly when He chooses to speak to me because that is when I am most still), I will cry out for a full night’s rest. Then when He gives it to me (sleeping all night long), I will again cry out, “Lord, why didn’t you speak to me last night?” Even though The Holy Spirit and I wrestle all night some nights, and I am worn out the next day, I so desire to hear from Him every night and every day, even at the risk of no sleep yet again.

Living in an RV makes my night wrestling matches more difficult, however, especially now since we have added a third person to our tiny home on wheels. Yes, that makes three adults and two rambunctious dogs in a 33-foot motorhome without slide-outs. I’ll leave our houseguest’s story untold for now, other than that his great need has become like a blessing for me. That sounds horrible, even though I do not intend it that way. What I mean is that his presence in my life 24/7 really helps me out. He makes me laugh with his quiet personality and how he can slip a joke in without me realizing it until I am bursting with laughter. I love how his smile seems to creep over his face, almost imperceptibly at first. He is also a great help with the dogs, walking them and babysitting the puppy (Gracie), as Our Lord takes me away from home and into the community more and more.

(Tinker Belle with Suzie, when Tinker was just a puppy.)

I will never begrudge my son-from-another-mother a full night’s sleep, for he needs it with all he is going through right now. So I gladly do my writing and reading and wrestling by flashlight, lying in bed, sandwiched between my husband, Tinker Belle (the Pug), and Gracie (the Poodle puppy) while our houseguest makes the living room unavailable to me by night.

You can be sure, God is good in His will and His workings, even if we silly little humans are oftentimes inconvenienced or don’t understand at first. God is so good to me, even when I get frustrated and all I want is sleep.

My prayer for you today is that you may find the space to be still and your life quiet enough for at least a moment in all its chaos, so that you can hear the still small voice of God.

In His Loving Grace,

Jennifer Joy