Friendship, Love, and Loyalty

What is friendship, truly? Is it only a relationship, through which we can get our own personal needs met?

Surely, it is not.

Friendship is a deep and lasting bond. Friendship is a gift we can treasure the rest of our lives. The bond between friends is one of the strongest on earth.

Friendship oftentimes is stronger than blood relationships. It is unfortunate but true. We cannot choose our birth family, but God has chosen our parents and siblings for us for a reason. Life is a learning experience from the day we are born to the day we die, and God has given our specific families to us so that we can learn the lessons He has intended for us.

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” Proverbs 17:17

King Saul’s initial feelings for David show how deceptive relationships can be and also how fleeting. It shows how we cannot always trust a person’s words, their confession of love for us. All too often, words are as empty as the air used to breathe them into existence.

“Saul liked him very much, and David became one of his armor-bearers.” 1 Samuel 16:21

“And from that time on Saul kept a close eye on David. . . Saul had a spear in his hand and he hurled it, saying to himself, ‘I’ll pin David to the wall.’ But David eluded him twice. Saul was afraid of David, because The Lord was with David but had departed from Saul.” 1 Samuel 18:9, 10-11

“Saul’s plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines.” 1 Samuel 18:25

“Saul became still more afraid of him, and he remained his enemy the rest of his days.” 1 Samuel 18:29

Yet true loyalty in friendship can be found, as in the relationship between David and King Saul’s son, Jonathan.

“Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.” 1 Samuel 18:1

By all human rights, Jonathan should have succeeded his father as king, yet by God’s anointing through the prophet Samuel (1 Samuel 16), David was to be Saul’s successor. Through normal human jealousy, Jonathan should have cursed the day David was born. Through that time’s acceptable loyalty to his father, Jonathan should have set out to kill David, just as his father tried to do. Even now, people tend to choose family over outsiders, as a sign of family loyalty, and it is good and honorable to do so in most cases. However, Jonathan followed the Word of God, rather than the bitterness of his own father’s jealousy and rage against David, when he chose to support and protect the rightful heir to the throne (David) from his father.

“While David was at Horesh in the Desert of Ziph, he learned that Saul had come out to take his life. And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God. ‘Don’t be afraid,’ he said. ‘My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.’” 1 Samuel 23:15-17

Jonathan was unable to follow his father’s example because his father chose to follow his own jealousy, fear, and rage. Jonathan chose a better path. He chose to listen to God and to honor his bond of friendship, even though this, in a way, dishonored his father.

Sometimes we must make these choices, if our own family does not set a good example.

What, then, is love?

God is love. (1 John 4:16)

Love is manifest in peace, mercy, grace, respect, trust, compassion, sincerity, forgiveness, and other noble pursuits.

There is no fear in love. (1 John 4:18)

Love is not found in scheming, lying, cheating, anger, jealousy, violence, insults, hatred, and the like.

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:9-10

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.” Matthew 7:12

I will come back to speak more about love another day.

So in the meantime . . .

My prayer for you today is that you might know the depth and the beauty and the trueness of God’s love.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

Personal Best: Part Four: Well Grounded

This is the final in the series on raising the bar. As I mentioned in the first post, I believe that if we can achieve one, then the other three will follow. This is the one that I believe is the key. Being properly grounded makes everything else easier in life.

But what do I mean by being grounded? Many people talk about having their head in the clouds, or being flighty. These are the opposite of being grounded.

To be grounded means that we have a solid foundation to stand on. It means that we are focused and present in the now (not ten minutes from now and not two weeks from now). Our minds are not racing ahead to fantastical what-ifs. We are calm.

When we are not grounded, everything can become unraveled easily because we tend to be overly emotional. We get upset or angry for unworthy reasons. We get frustrated when things don’t go as we expect, often because our expectations are not based in reality.

So, how can we get grounded? For a quick situational fix, the easiest thing to do is breathe. Concentrate on your breath and let it bring you back to the present. This is not only for the negative events in our lives, but also for those events that are too stimulating to take in all at once. If you find you are getting too excited (about anything, get your mind out of the gutter, although that’s a good reason, as well) and you subsequently find your mind racing, then breathe. Deep breaths. In and out. Until the excitement is under control.

When emotions are allowed to run rampant (as in our over-excitement), we make decisions that we later regret. We react instead of act. What I mean by this is that actions are premeditated. We have spent time in making the decision to do the action. Whereas, reactions are spontaneous. We don’t think. We let the circumstances or the emotions or someone else make decisions for us. And this is not good.

So breathe.

And then when you are calmer, while you are still breathing, think.

Where can we find a solid foundation to stand on? We can find this by exerting wiser choices in who we choose to be in relationship with. This is a good starting point, but the most important relationship, the only one that can truly be our rock to stand on, is Jesus.

When we give ourselves over to Jesus, and we follow His teachings, then we have our solid foundation. If all our decisions are based on biblical truths, then we can be sure we are making good, wholesome, honorable decisions in our lives.

I hear you when you say that The Bible was written several millennia ago. You think its outdated. I understand your concerns. However, when we are in relationship with Jesus, and we have the Holy Spirit whispering truths in our ears, we begin to understand. We begin to see how The Bible is still relevant today. Trust me. Or better yet, trust God’s Word. If you earnestly endeavor to find life’s answers in The Bible, a whole new world will be opened up to you. It is as simple as saying a prayer and opening the book. If you are not sure where to start, the Psalms is always a good choice, and it can be found right in the middle of The Bible. The Book of John is another great choice. Galatians is my personal favorite. It teaches me that grace is based on faith and not on our silly human strivings. Through faith, I am a new creation. I don’t have to jump through any hoops or prove anything to anybody. God knows my heart, and so He reads my heart directly. Without striving constantly to prove my worthiness, an unspeakable joy fills me as I go about my daily chores. Since I don’t have to prove myself anymore, I eagerly work for His Kingdom, to share this wondrous joy with others and give them hope for their own joy, found only in the unconditional love of Our Savior.

So that is my prayer for you today, that you might be open to receiving the Joy of Christ.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

Personal Best: Part Three: Trust

Honesty and trust go hand in hand. The more honest I am known to be, the more likely it is that people will trust me. If I’m not a trustworthy person, doors will close for me, instead of opening to greater opportunities.

Lying is a tiresome endeavor. Instead of just having to remember the truth, now the teller has to remember each twist and turn in the story he’s been weaving, usually to cover up the truth. Before long, the whole thing unravels, and people get hurt. The liar gets hurt as well, as his relationships suffer the consequences of lies that need not be told.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just tell the truth? Instead of weaving a fantastic story, just spit it out. The fantastic story is bound to unravel. The truth is bound to come out, sooner or later. Then the lies lead to a horrific aftermath, and we are left putting out relationship fires. Face it, there’s less of a mess to clean up, if the truth is told in the first place.

Being honest in our words is only part of the whole trust issue, though. To be trustworthy, our actions must also be held up to the light. If a person isn’t reliable, then people tend to judge him/her as not being trustworthy, as well. Idle promises, again, bring us down. If we make idle promises, then our trustworthiness is called into question. If we say we will be somewhere and then don’t show up, we are not trustworthy.

It goes without saying that if we take what isn’t ours, then we are not trustworthy.

If we expect others to trust us, then we need to prove we deserve to be trusted. Make all your dealings and all your words reach to the higher standards you are now striving for. As you walk this new, narrow path, you will discover that, even though it is narrow, it has many gates that open to wondrous new experiences and opportunities. It has many more and much better gates than that old, crooked path of the past.

As with anything that is worth having, this too will take patience and persistence. When we try to start fresh, with a background of distrust, it will take time for others to feel secure enough to trust again. Keep at it. Hang in there. Even if at first, old relations refuse to believe the change in you, please know that it is possible for relationships to be renewed and to overcome trust issues. It will take patience on your part, but I know that you are worth the effort to strive for better relationships.

As I stated a few days ago, take every word that comes out of your mouth seriously. Make each word count. Make each word truthful. Others take our words seriously, and part of this is because, as the Bible states, “For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34). What comes out of our mouths matters.

If we like juicy tidbits, then we gossip. If we are prone to anger, then we will argue. These are examples of our hearts dictating what our mouths do.

But we cannot simply say, “the heart wants what the heart wants.” We must take steps to stop our mouths from blurting out every hurtful or gossipy thing that lands on our tongue. Bite that tongue if you must, for the tongue is the most powerful muscle in the body. It can do more damage than any thrown punch, but don’t go throwing punches, either. I wouldn’t want people thinking I advocate violence as a solution for anything. Because I don’t.

My prayer for you today is that a special person will surface in your life. It may be that you already know this special person, waiting there to be your helper. I pray they will be someone whom you can bond with in a wholesome manner. My prayer is that this person will offer you unconditional love and will be a shining example of strength and honesty of character, so that you can lean on them as you persevere in overcoming your challenges.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

Personal Best: Part Two: Commitment

It should be a no brainer that when it comes to employment and to relationships, having high standards is very important. However, we seem to forget what commitment is, when we become complacent or disgruntled.

We get a new job, and we are all excited about having the new job. So we promise ourselves that we will learn all we can learn and do the best job we can possibly do, and we quickly learn how to do our new job. We even dare to believe we do our job better than the guys that have been there longer.

Then we begin to notice undercurrents. We learn the unwritten hierarchy and we learn how to leverage ourselves above the others. Then we start noticing how the others are slacking off. We start to hear conflicting messages from the higher-ups. An unfavorable attitude brews in us. “Why should I do my job to the fullest if they aren’t?”

The same scenario can play out in our relationships as well. At first, all we see is sunshine and rainbows. We see stars that blind us, as we travel through the early stages of a relationship. In a romantic relationship, this is the lust phase, when we are madly passionate about everything that has to do with our new beau.

But after awhile, we start seeing the blemishes and the flaws in our new beau. We then enter into a phase that will make or break the relationship. If time has been invested to really learn about our new interest, then the relationship will weather any differences of opinion that happen to arise. However, as in many romantic encounters, if the new couple chooses to explore each others bodies and they neglect their minds, there isn’t enough in the lust to keep the relationship alive. That’s why it is so important to spend some time really getting to know someone before hopping into bed—so that the relationship is built on a solid foundation of common ground, instead of heady clouds of lust.

If we are reaching for a strong committed relationship this time, instead of another painful fling, then we need to invest the time upfront to build that foundation.

Any beau worth having will understand waiting until you know each other better.

We need to set the bar higher for ourselves, if we expect to experience commitment in our relationships and in our work.

When it comes to our personal standards, where we choose to set the bar is a personal matter. What I mean by this, to achieve my own personal best, my standards cannot be dependent upon anyone else’s performance or demands.

I’ll go back to the work analogy to explain this better. When we accept employment, we agree to perform our assigned duties. We agree to uphold everything listed in our employment contract. Most companies nowadays have rules concerning our conduct while under their employ and while on their premises. Most of these are standard rules of etiquette. Others are specific to the company. Either way, when we sign on, we agree to follow all their “rules.” Their list of expectations is the baseline. Our bar needs to be at least this high for us to succeed in their company. As a side note, this is not basing our standards on their demands. This is us meeting the expectations of our job.

However, sometimes we must follow our own standards, rather than blindly following orders. As as example of times when our personal standards trump company standards, sometimes, after we have been in a company for awhile, we start to notice shady dealings at the management level or above. Even though this seems to be the status quo for the company and other employees are following suit, my own personal standards would keep me from partaking in those shady dealings. For instance, I once had a situation at work where I was informed that someone was in the process of stealing people’s identities, and he was using our company to do so. The higher ups knew the repercussions on their customers, if this criminal succeeded. Yet when the officials (police and/or feds) told them to carry on as if nothing were wrong, because they were on to him, my boss passed that official command along to me. Try as I might, I could not follow through with my orders. My personal standards would not allow me to partake in ruining the lives of all those strangers, when his call came on my phone.

Included in the expectations of employers is being a productive member of the staff. Being hired to do a specific job is a binding agreement between two entities, between employer and employee, and nowhere does it state that if so-and-so slacks off, then I get to as well. And this is the same in relationships. Just think of that thing moms used to say, “If Bobby jumped of the bridge, would you?”

When we disregard our work ethic to play the same games as everyone else, everyone else does not suffer the consequences for us when we get caught and get either reprimanded or fired. It is our own reputation that suffers. Our own paycheck suffers and our own family’s welfare suffers. Same goes for our relationships. When we neglect our morals, our reputation suffers, and it costs us other, more valuable relationships.

I’ve had problems in the past with thinking I had to play their games in order to be liked by the other employees. Being accepted was very important to me, and unfortunately I made decisions that didn’t always honor my employer. It didn’t take long before I figured out that my place of employment was not a social outlet; then I started putting my nose into my work and stayed away from the gossipers and those who tried to entice me to extra long breaks, and such. I am not placing blame. I made every decision. We like to blame things on that catchy phrase, “peer pressure,” but even though I was being pressured, I made the final decision to succumb each time.

My prayer for you today is for you to find strength to stand up against peer pressure. My prayer is that your relationships will grow and blossom, and that you will blossom where you are planted.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

Personal Best: Part One: Reliability

I have spoken several times in the past few months about raising the bar and having higher personal standards. It is very important that we have honorable values and morals. It is important for our dealings with society and within our own family. It is important for our employment and financial future. Having maturity in these areas just plain helps us function in life. Today, I would like to share about some of the best qualities we can exhibit. If we strive for these, we can achieve the things we wish to achieve in life. It’s not a long list, only four characteristics to work toward. I believe that if you master one, then the other three will automatically follow. This I will explain more in the fourth and last post in this series.

• Reliable
• Committed 
• Trustworthy
• Well Grounded

Being unreliable, nowadays, seems to be part and parcel with being young. Somehow, we have managed to not teach the younger generations how to be upstanding citizens. We yell and scream at the younger generations, that they should be more respectful and such, and yet we forget that we, the older generations, neglected our duties as the younger were growing up. However, I am not here to lay blame or make excuses. I am here to help bring harmony to our communities and families. As such, being unreliable begets disharmony, and reliable people bring harmony to the table.

As an example,  when we regularly call in sick, (in those times when we know darn well we aren’t really sick), we portray our unreliability. The fact that we are not reliable can be seen like a big neon sign around our necks. Everyone soon discovers this about us, upon meeting us or hiring us. We cannot hide this character flaw for long. Once in this habit, it is difficult to break. I know this from personal experience. There were jobs I hated and there were plenty of times I believed what I had to do at home was more important. No matter what was going on at home, if it wasn’t a life-threatening emergency, then I had no business placing my priorities ahead of my boss’ priorities for my time. It is not about who is more important in the situation. When we accept employment, we make a commitment to be there and to do our assigned tasks. Yes, we are putting our boss and coworkers in a bind by not being there, but the bottom line is that we disgrace our own good name; our reputation suffers when we flake out by calling in sick all the time (or however else we show our unreliability). When we flake out at work, we also have a tendency to flake out in our relationships.

Friendships, relationships, intimacies, work, they all suffer when we are unreliable. If you do not believe it, just have an honest conversation with someone you spend a lot of time with, someone you can trust to be honest with you. Or, if you are in a self-punishment mood, ask your boss what he honestly thinks about your absenteeism.

You can ask what others think about you, you can even ask their advice on the subject, but no one can fix this issue for you. You must do the work for yourself, to reset your own bar above what people now expect from you (having lived with an unreliable you for some time now). I cannot tell you how to be more reliable. I can tell you that the most obvious way to be more reliable is to act reliably from here on out.

One thing that worked for me was taking every word out of my own mouth seriously. I made a vow a long time ago that I would not make promises, because promises have a tendency to be broken. Life has a habit of getting in the way of things. By not making idle promises, I know I won’t be what gets in my own way so often.

So many times, we jump to say yes to everything asked of us. Before our brains have even engaged on the subject, our mouths commit us to it. If you have an inability to say no, commit the following phrases to memory: “I need to check my schedule.” “I need to think about it.” “Can I give you my decision tomorrow.”

Those simple words will give you the time you need to make sure you can commit, or it can give you the time to decide if you really want to commit or not.

But sometimes our best option is to just learn how to say no. Work is work and has priority. If social or family requests are getting in the way, maybe its time to sit down your friends and relations and have a serious talk about your commitment to your employer and that being able to feed and house your family is more important than the drama being pushed in front of you. I’ll talk more about drama another day.

I must caution, however, that when it comes to accepting change in us, people can be gun shy. If they know us one way and one way only, they may have trouble believing we have changed. In this situation, it is best to just keep plugging along, doing the right thing, making better choices, demonstrating our new, reliable self, and eventually our relations and friends will see the new pattern emerging, and the more they see of it, the more they will be able to believe.

Remember that change takes time. Change is possible, and once it truly occurs, it is amazing, but it takes patience to get there. Hang in there.

My prayer for you today is that you can see more clearly the person you can be, and that your steps to become her/him is made easier by the love in your relationships.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY TEN: New Relationships

Today is day ten of The 16 Days Campaign to end domestic abuse and violence against women. Having past the halfway mark, I would like to offer a day of hope for survivors. Today I will present lists of early warning signs and red flags and also steps women can take to guard against abuse in new relationships.

Having gotten out of an abusive relationship is mighty reason to celebrate. Congratulations on your success, if you are a survivor. These lists will help you determine whether a new interest is worthy of your love. However, they are only lists of red flags and not written in stone. As such, use your God-given intuition to guide you in choosing your next partner more so than lists. They are meant as guidelines because as you yourself are healing, you will recognize that others also have the ability to change and improve. Their past does not necessarily predict their future, as I’ve been trying to show you that your past does not have to predict your future, either.

You are a strong, beautiful person and deserve to be in a strong, beautiful relationship. In the beginning, set aside those lustful “new romance” type feelings so that you can really get to know the other person. Please do not hop from relationship to relationship, from bed to bed, as this does not help the situation. I do not say this from a Christian perspective so much as from someone who has been there and done that. This is a plea to let the new relationship grow before adding sex into the mix; for sex confuses the issue, especially if a child results from the encounter.

Red Flags

• Alcohol or drug use
• Record of getting into fights or destroying property
• Chronically unemployed and not seeking work
• Speaks disrespectfully to other women in your presence, especially his mother or sisters
• Name calling, put downs, or vulgar comments about you or others
• Physically rough with you or with animals
• Anger issues
• Plays the blame game frequently
• Starts to control where you go and who you can see
• Forces sexual intimacy when you are not ready or do not want it
• Cheats or has multiple partners, lengthy list of “conquests”
• Takes advantage of your good nature
• Takes money or other belongings from you and sees it as a right to do so
• Unwarranted accusations of flirting or cheating
• Does not pay attention to your interests, opinions, or feelings
• Things always have to be his way
• Silent treatment
• Lies
• Stands you up for dates or other obligations
• Disappears for days at a time without appropriate reason
• Expects you to dress and act a certain way, doesn’t let you be you
• Threatens suicide if you attempt to break up
• Says he cannot live without you
• Mood swings
• Compares you to former partners

 

Some questions to ask yourself about the relationship

• Do you feel tied down?
• Do you feel like you have to check in or get his permission?
• Are you afraid to speak your own mind or bring up certain subjects?
• Do you believe you are difficult to love?
• Do you believe if you could just love him enough, everything would be okay?
• Do you cry often?
• Are you depressed or generally unhappy in this relationship?
• Do you worry about how to please him or how to keep him happy?

These lists are adapted from the Domestic Abuse Project (http://www.domesticabuseproject.org)

Even with all the red flags and warnings, the bottom line is that if we want better in our relationships, it has to start with getting better ourselves. If you cannot afford counseling or you cannot spare the time for a support group, I highly recommend reading self-help books. Become a voracious reader in your spare time, instead of watching television. If you take public transportation, read on the way to work. Read during your lunch break. Read while waiting for the doctor or other appointments.

A word of caution, however, not all self-help books are created equal. If one does not resonate with you, set it aside and start another one. I have often found that the ones I have cast aside, later become great allies. Or they end up in the goodwill box.

Her is a short list of books I have found helpful over the years:

• The Bible — find an easy-to-read version especially if this is new for you. The King James Version is not the best place to start. I heard of but have not yet read The Voice Bible, which is written in novel format and is said to be very easy to read.
• Who Moved My Cheese? By Spence Johnson and Kenneth Blanchard — A quick read but very helpful in dealing with change in your life.
• Broken body, Wounded Spirit, by Celeste Cooper — A devotional for chronic pain sufferers, but it has an interesting perspective for all of life’s challenges.
• Messy, by A.J Swoboda — Finding beauty, meaning, purpose, and joy in a messy life.
• Sifted: God’s Scandalous Response to Satan’s Outrageous Demand, by Rick Lawrence — Excellent biblical perspective on why we go through such trying times.
  Two Scoops of Grace with Chuckles on Top, by Jeanette Levellie —Humorous reminders of God’s handiwork in our lives.
• Calm My Anxious Heart, by Linda Dillow — A woman’s guide to finding contentment.
• Love Must Be Tough, by Dr. James Dobson — Straightforward advice for building relationships.
• Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud — Setting healthy boundaries in your relationships. In fact, I would recommend any of the books by these two authors. They have helped me tremendously in sorting through my past and my relationship issues.
• Living, Loving, and Learning, by Leo Buscaglia —I would also recommend any and all of his books. He was the first author who really resonated with my soul and began to teach me about love, while I was still in an abusive relationship years ago.

This is just a short list of my favorite self-help reads.

My prayer for you today is that you could hear that special message that will reach deep inside to unlock your full potential.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy