Guilt Complex, Gone

I should recognize by now that if I start having troubled sleep, if I start to falter in my Walk, if depression begins to come upon me, then God is once again working his magic in my soul. For my soul upheavals are not without reward.

And, oh, how sweet the rewards when God troubles my soul.

For several weeks, I tossed and turned, having bad dreams about false accusations. These dreams tormented not only my sleep, but also my waking hours, because I did not know why I kept having this recurrent theme. No one has troubled me with lies and false blame in almost a year now.

In my past, I have suffered many false accusations. I won’t go into too much detail, but a person very dear to me had the habit of throwing me under the bus when she was caught in a lie. We were very close (or so I wished), but no matter how desperately I wanted to share  my most intimate secrets with her, I simply could not trust her. I could not trust that she would keep my secrets, and I could not trust that she would not twist my truth into something grotesque and punishing.

From all her lies and from others believing her lies, I have suffered horribly from a guilt complex since childhood.

On top of that, I also have suffered from Lyme disease since childhood. No one believed I was sick. No one believed I was almost always in severe pain. I was accused of being a hypochondriac, once again spurred on by the lies spread by my dearest loved one.

Adding insult to injury, Lyme is a very real disease caught in the ugly political-ness of the CDC and insurance red tape. The CDC is influenced by insurance lobbyists, with their single goal being to save themselves money, even at the expense of the American public. This is a whole ball of wax I don’t wish to get into, for its negativity, but if you are interested in learning more, I would suggest checking out the video, “Under Our Skin.” As a result of the insurance industry’s political agenda, I and other Lyme sufferers have been accused of lying and of being hypochondriacs. I have had a whole slew of medical professionals deny my pain and my illness, for years.

There are plenty of other people and issues I could add to this list of false accusations, but I won’t. I’m not saying that I have never been guilty of things. I am not perfect. Far from it. I have sinned plenty, but the guilt complex came about because of unwarranted lies and accusations.

It is a myth that if we have a guilty conscience, then we must be guilty.

The truth is often that we have suffered blame at the hands of others once too often.

In my final dream on the subject, I found myself standing before a long line of my accusers. Some I recognized, of course, but some I did not, because they belonged to the CDC and insurance industry, and also among them were medical professionals I did not immediately recognize. Fear and terror seized my heart as I stood alone in front of them. Then all of a sudden, Jesus was beside me. I did not have to look to my right to know He was there. His presence and His voice were unmistakable.

He said, “Tell the first one to step forward.”

I reluctantly motioned for her to come.

Jesus said, “Ask her to say what she came to say.”

I reluctantly asked, as tears threatened to escape.

She said her lies, cast her blame.

Then Jesus said, “Now, tell her she is lying, tell her that you forgive her, and then send her on her way.”

I did as He asked. My heart felt a tiny bit better.

She went to the end of the line, so that she could once again come forward with more lies and blame when her turn came again.

We went through several more people in the line, with Jesus asking me to tell each of them the same thing. I was starting to feel better about myself. Eventually, He simply said, “Tell them what for,” as each one stepped up. “Go ahead,” He lovingly encouraged, as He motioned their way.

When I awoke, my guilt complex was completely gone. I was free. My temporary fight with depression was gone.

Now, before you jump all over me about vindication, let me state that what Jesus was asking me to do in my dream had nothing to do with vindication. I know vindication flies in the face of Jesus’ teaching about turning the other cheek. But I did not argue my truth. I did not lash out at my accusers. I was calm in dealing with each one because I had my Savior by my side. I felt no need to vindicate myself with Jesus there, holding my hand. He simply told me to tell them I knew they were lying, forgive them, and send them on their way.

Through this dream, God closed the book on my guilty conscience.

When I woke up, The Holy Spirit then led me to read the book of Ezra. Here is the biblical truth I learned about false accusations:

In a quick summary, King Cyrus allowed some of the exiles to return to Jerusalem to rebuild the house of God, to fulfill the prophesy spoken by Jeremiah (Ezra 1:1-3), and he also returned the temple articles that King Nebuchadnezzar had taken (Ezra 1:7). It didn’t take long for enemies of the exiles to frustrate their plans (Ezra 4:4-16). During the reign of subsequent kings, they continued making things difficult for the builders of the temple. They launched a specific complaint in a letter to Artaxerxes about how Jerusalem had always been a rebellious and wicked city (Ezra 4:12), and so Artaxerxes issued an order to stop work, so that the city would not be rebuilt (Ezra 4:21). During the reign of Darius, the Jews once again began building the temple, having the support and guidance of the prophets, and their enyy6emies once again tried to stir up trouble (Ezra 5:2-3). In response, the Jews stated in a letter to King Darius that they were working on the temple and the city by the decree of King Cyrus. Their letter is found in verses 5:11-17. At the end of the letter, they ask King Darius to do a thorough search of the archives, so that Darius may discover the truth for himself. This truth is verified and Darius’ response is found in verses 6:3-12. King Darius not only upheld the decree of his predecessor, but he also ordered that the accusers pay the expenses for rebuilding from the royal treasury and the revenues of Trans-Euphrates. The accusers had to give everything the Jews needed for the construction and also for the burnt offerings. King Darius furthermore decreed that anyone who continued to make trouble would be put to death.

Wow! What a turnaround. When questioned by their accusers, the elders calmly stated their case, and the truth prevailed because God saw their suffering, and He provided relief as only He can.

God sees our suffering. God knows our pain. God knows when we have been wrongly accused, just as He knew that the Jewish elders had been wrongly accused of building without permission. The elders did not seek to vindicate themselves. They did not seek retribution for years of being maligned and kept from their mission. All they wanted was to continue rebuilding the temple, as God had asked. Then, God provided the means necessary to finish the task without any further interference.

It is beautiful, the workings of Our Lord. He touched deep within my pain and healed yet another wound. He is so good to me.

My prayer for you today is that you may find healing for your inmost wounds.

In His grace,

Jennifer Joy

Troubled By Love

Once again, I have been having trouble sleeping. God is working on me again. I am a work in progress, as we all are, and I am grateful for each moment of His mercy and grace as He walks me through every heartbreak from my past.

I much prefer His discipline to being forgotten and unnoticed, and this is what I would like to talk about today.

Who wants an indifferent, uncaring God? Not me!

Before we come into His grace, we can fall into the trap of believing He does not care.

It is not that God does not care for us, it is that He is waiting for us to turn from our sins and cry out for His help. Many of the Psalms speak to this fact, and they are a great place to turn for hope, but I would like to quote a verse from Lamentations.

“My eyes will flow unceasingly, without relief, until The Lord looks down from heaven and sees.”

Lamentations 3:49

And also several verses from James:

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

James 4:1-3

“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.”

James 4:7-8

I thank God for giving me the perseverance to discover the depth of His love, for it was through a heartfelt prayer that I began my healing journey. I prayed, “Lord, please teach me to follow Your ways.” It was as simple as that. I prayed and He helped me submit myself to reading the Bible and living The Word. I turn to Him almost constantly in prayer nowadays.

If you find prayer difficult, then think of it simply as a conversation with a good friend. There are no rules or hoops to jump through in order to pray “correctly.” The majority of the time, I am not even on bended knee, because for years it was difficult for me to kneel down in prayer because of my pain. The biblical directives to kneel have more to do with submitting yourself through the condition of your heart, rather than the position of your body.

I thank Him abundantly every time I am rebuked, every time I am disciplined, because it means that He loves me enough to bother with me. It would be far worse if God threw up His hands in disgust and just walked away. People do that. But God does not. I know I have sinned far more than I would tolerate out of someone, if I were in His position. (Sometimes I wonder how my husband could be such a saint to put up with me for so long, but that’s another story.)

Being disciplined (as opposed to being punished or neglected) means that our parents care enough to make sure we follow the right path in life. It means that they love us and want the best for us. It means that they put our rearing on a higher level than their own selfish pursuits.

That’s the way it is supposed to work, anyway. Many parents fail to demonstrate love to their children in this way. Whether it be because of addictions, working too many hours, or the latest trend—not wanting to play the part of the bad parent by disciplining, because the children are from a broken home. We do not love our children when we sugar coat everything and refuse to carry out our parental duties.

A diet of lollypops and ice cream will result in a fat child, and a childhood without loving discipline and proper guidance will result in an adult who does not know boundaries, who does not know what love truly is.

Proverbs 3 tells of the wonderful blessings of fatherly love.

“My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.

Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear The Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.

Honor The Lord with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops; then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine.

My son, do not despise The Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because The Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.”

Proverbs 3:1-12

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

Hebrews 12:11

“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of The Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of The Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.”

Lamentations 3:19-27

“For no one is cast off by The Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.”

Lamentations 3:31-33

Thank You, Lord, for disciplining me. Thank You, Lord, for being the parent in my old age that I so desperately needed and yearned for in my youth. Thank You, Lord, for saving me from my own wickedness.

My prayer for you today: Even though I know you may go through difficult times as you are refined by His loving discipline, I pray that your burdens will be lightened by coming to know Our Lord intimately through prayer and living The Word.

In His grace,

Jennifer Joy

Down With The Flu

Oh, what a miserable month I had, while I was down with the bug.

It was a month full of misery, but a month where I did not lose my faith.

Though the devil tried to steal my joy over my recent healing, I would not give in to his lies.

Oh, what a beautiful thing Our Lord has given me.

His mercy touched my inmost wounds and He has healed me, body and soul.

I wrote a few months ago about our church laying hands on me and healing me from my severe pain and suffering. Well, shortly after my healing, I came down with the flu. As many of you may know, the flu has been especially bad again this year. Just about every rig that came through Cherry Valley during November and December had at least one person sick with the flu. From talking with locals and also with friends and family spread around the country, I ascertained that this particular strain of the flu seemed to follow a rather predictable timeline.

For me, it started with several days of sore and teary eyes and a runny nose. When my eyes started to feel better, the sinus congestion kicked into high gear. I went through several boxes of tissues as I sneezed my way through about two weeks of this phase alone. Then a few days of stomach pain, diarrhea, and fever were added to the sinus issues. When that went away, my congestion and runny nose also started to dissipate, which led me to believe that I was on the mend. Not so, because after a few days of gradual improvement, my eyes were acting up again and the congestion and runny nose and sneezing really kicked into high gear. This brought on a bad cough that after a few days, went away. Another week of sinus issues and I found myself truly on the rebound to better health again.

During this horrible month or so, while I was sick with the flu, the devil tried to convince me that I was having a Lyme flare-up. I cried and I prayed to God that it wasn’t so. I did firmly believe in my healing miracle, but I was weak and worn out from being sick.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

John 10:10

I kept talking to others who had had the flu recently. I kept telling myself that so-and-so had the same constellation of symptoms and for just as long a duration. Too many people were going through the same thing, and following the same pattern, for my symptoms to be something different than what they were suffering through.

That was the devil’s mistake—trying to use such a widespread seasonal illness to convince me I had not been divinely healed.

I stuck out my tongue at the enemy and continued to rely on God.

Once upon a time, I mistakenly thought that if my belief faltered even one iota, then I would lose the promises, the blessings, and the gifts God had given me. It was as if I were dreaming, and upon awakening, I found my hands empty because I could not hold onto the possessions of my dream.

Through the maturing of my faith, I have found that His blessings and promises are not fleeting. They are not dependent on me being perfect. If things were dependent on perfection, then I would never earn any of God’s gifts.

And that’s just it: We cannot earn a single thing, based on our own efforts or our own righteousness. We need Jesus to pay for our sins.

“’But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.’

‘If you can?’ said Jesus. ‘Everything is possible for one who believes.’

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, ‘I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!’”

Mark 9:23-24

The above verse shows how there can be a duality to our belief—an acceptable duality. Think of it this way: If you were to win the lottery, it would most likely take your brain a while to accept the truth of your sudden prosperity. Just because you may exclaim that it is too good to be true, or that you cannot believe it, it does not make it untrue.  If you took a dip in your pile of money, Uncle Scrooge McDuck style, then you might just realize your wealth because it is evident, right in front of you.

Similarly, the more you spend time with God and in His Word, the more your faith and belief will increase.

Although I used Uncle Scrooge and piles of money as an example, I do not condone such behavior, because when we act like Uncle Scrooge, we are worshiping money instead of worshiping God. Placing such a high value on the all mighty dollar and obsessing over our fortunes amounts to idolatry. There must be nothing higher than our faith in the true All Mighty.

My prayer for you today is for belief. I pray for your peace and your prosperity, as only God can provide.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

The Faithfulness of Ruth

I awoke this morning, knowing that I must write about Ruth. I will explain why later.

I have read, over and over, the account of Ruth, the daughter-in-law of Naomi. It is a beautiful account of one young woman’s faith in a God she did not grow up knowing, for she was a Moabitess, and the people of Moab worshipped false gods.

It overwhelms me that the Book of Ruth is even in The Bible. First, it tells of the life of a woman. There are only two biblical books specifically about women, the other being the Book of Esther. Few women are even mentioned in the genealogy studies by name, comparatively speaking, and many of the women in The Bible are simply referred to by their gender, (even though they were important enough to mention).

Even the woman who anointed Jesus with perfume before his crucifixion is only called “a woman” or “this woman,” while the man who owned the house in Bethany where the anointing took place was specifically named. Even though Jesus states that “what she has done will also be told, in memory of her,” she is still only referred to by her gender. Women simply did not hold much worth in biblical times. (This is a topic for another day, and I will not get into its significance/relevance now.) Specific women are mentioned usually only in accordance with their male relations. Wife of, mother of, sister of, etc.

“While Jesus was in Bethany in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper, a woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, which she poured on his head as he was reclining at the table.” (Matthew 26:6-7)

“Aware of this, Jesus said to them, ‘Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. . . I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.’” (Matthew 26:10, 13)

Secondly, it strikes me because, in The Old Testament, there are many admonitions against marrying foreign women, mostly for fear of falling under the curse of worshipping false gods. Yet, here in The Old Testament, is a story about a foreign-born woman, and she comes to marry a very important man. (I use the word “story” hesitantly because “story” usually indicates a work of fiction, whereas I firmly believe the Bible contains only God-breathed historical accounts, and as such, is the truth. The only real truth in this fallen world.)

However, Ruth was an extraordinary young woman.

Even though her husband (Naomi’s son) had died and she had not bore him any sons, she clung to Naomi and vowed to return to Naomi’s homeland with her. In all customary rights in her country, she very well could have returned to her own parents’ home and taken another husband, as it indicates Orpah (the other sister-in-law) did. (See Ruth 1:8-14)

She was a very loyal daughter-in-law. Her actions showed selflessness. She had taken her husband’s God as her own. This is one biblical example where it shows honor in a woman, where she actually obeys her husband and his religion, instead of her influencing her husband away from The One True God. To me, this also says she was very intelligent and able to discern the truth from all the lies she had most likely heard while growing up (through the worship of her people’s false gods). In much of The Bible, women are depicted as conniving and deceptive, finding their power only in their feminine, deceptive ways.

“I find more bitter than death the woman who is a snare, whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains. The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare.” (Ecclesiastes 7:26)

But Ruth was different. She was intelligent, as I mentioned. She recognized her standing as a foreigner, and she knew that she had no right to ask for favors when it came to following the harvesters in the barley fields of Naomi’s kinsman, Boaz. When she met Boaz, she humbled herself and told the truth, instead of trying to be deceptive or running away and hiding her shame of being, essentially, a beggar.

“At this she bowed down with her face to the ground. She exclaimed, ‘Why have I found favor in your eyes that you would notice me—a foreigner?’. . . ‘May I continue to find favor in your eyes, my lord,’ she said. ‘You have spoken kindly to your servant—though I do not have the standing of one of your servant girls.’” (Ruth 2:10, 13)

What happened next is even more amazing.

When I first studied Ruth, I did not understand why she would lie, like a dog, at the feet of Boaz. Was she showing submissiveness by keeping his feet warm? She was a noble woman. The Bible says as much. So the gesture was not an offer to pay back his kindness sexually. When Boaz discovered her at his feet, he kept her honor intact. She returned to Naomi before anyone could recognize her. (See Ruth, chapter 3) So, what then?

I studied the kinsmanship-redeemer obligations to find the answers.

It was indeed a noble thing she did. She had prepared herself as a bride and offered herself in marriage to Boaz, as per the kinsmanship-redeemer law that upheld the family obligation to help a dead brother (or nephew in this case) carry on his name. Knowing full well this law, Boaz knew exactly what her intentions were and that Naomi had put her up to it.

Naomi could have released Ruth to chase after younger men, but both women were known to be noble, and Ruth had vowed (in verses 1:16-17) to stay with Naomi until death, and therefore, I interpret the decision also as mature, most likely beyond her years. As such, she would not allow herself to be given to her own wanton desires and whims of lust. I imagine many young women of that day were much like the young women of today: Flighty, self-seeking, immature. I do not mean for this to demean young women; however, wisdom in relationships, as in any other area of life, comes with experience and age, i.e. maturity. And I myself have been an immature young woman, tempted by my own wanton flights of fancy.

This was the best option, not only for the family but also for Ruth. It was a win-win, and we all benefited from the integrity of that noble young woman, as I will show next.

From the union between Ruth and Boaz, Obed was born. Obed was the grandfather of David. Through King David’s lineage, we also find the greatest Man to ever walk the earth—Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior. (For a full listing of the genealogy of Jesus, please see Luke 3:23-38)

And this brings me to this morning, when I awoke sermonizing the Book of Ruth. This often happens to me, waking up spouting biblical truths. This happens usually in answer to my pleading prayers to Our Lord.

My prayers in the wee hours of this morning, after being unable to sleep most of the night, were rather pitiful. It was self pity, through and through.

“Lord,” I cried, “I study and I pray and I study and pray some more. I seek to know and do Your will. But how can I know for sure that I am doing the right things, the proper things You want, when I do not come from a strong Christian family?”

I cried out to Our Lord in self pity about my past. I will not go into detail, but I did not learn right from wrong early in life. I made mistake after mistake, not having a strong, supportive family to guide me. I have paid dearly for those mistakes I made. And I still make mistakes. I still sin, but then again, everyone sins in one way or another, and it is up to us to recognize when we have sinned and to ask for forgiveness when we do.

However, Our God is a faithful God. He answers my prayers. He hears my cries in the night and He gives me wisdom and blessings beyond what I deserve.

Like Ruth, I was “foreign” to the Way, the Truth, and the Life. I did not know Christ. I knew “of” Him in my childhood and I tried to please Him, but I did not know how. My sense of loyalty, honor, and respect had become skewed, distorted. I did not come to know Him until later in my years.

I read recently how once we give up a virtue (such as virginity) we can never get it back. We are marred, disfigured at that point, so it seemed to be saying to me. My self pity ran to how disfigured I  must be at this point in my life, having given my virginity before marriage, having broken trusts and lied habitually in my early years, having shop lifted, as well as other sins. “How ugly  must I be to You, God?” I cried.

His answer to me, through The Book of Ruth is thus: Even though I came from a questionable background, I am still beautiful in His sight for how I try to live my life now. Ruth’s sin was idolatry, as her parents most likely practiced. Even so, Ruth was given the noble position of being in the lineage of Jesus. Our God forgives our past mistakes. Our God overlooks our sins, if we repent and seek to live an honorable, God-honoring life.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14)

Our God is an awesome God.

Maybe that’s why I love Him so.

My prayer for you today is twofold: May you know discernment in your own decision-making and may you know how wonderfully beautiful you are to Our Lord and Savior.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

2013 In Review

This has been an amazing year, full of ups and downs. We finally got on the road, after three long years of trying to start living the RV lifestyle. (Read about our struggles over the past three years here.) Then, once we got started on the road, God changed our game plan (big time), thus the birth of this new blog.

This past year has held some of the worst physical pain I have ever experienced, but God was faithful to heal me physically a few months ago. One thing I have learned about God’s healing miracles is that it isn’t always instantaneous. Even the apostle Paul, after recovering his sight, needed time to recover. (Acts 9:19 “and after taking some food, he regained his strength.”) Finding the truth in this verse helped me to believe in my own healing, for there was instantaneous relief from the severity of my pain, my migraines, and even my food allergies, but some of the other issues are taking a little longer to overcome. Some of these other issues have to do with regaining the strength I lost during so many years of illness.

The first quarter of the year also held some of the worst emotional pain I have ever experienced. My marriage was on the brink of disaster and my father passed away from cancer on the first day of Spring—a day that should herald hope and new beginnings. In a way, it did bring hope and a new beginning, because God was again faithful in His love, care, and compassion for this lowly sinner. After my father passed, my Savior finished the task of releasing me from my past. In a way, Jesus brought to a close what He started in me five years ago, when my mother passed away suddenly and when I became seriously ill (actually I fell seriously ill about six months before my mother passed on, but I was diagnosed the same week she died).

When God healed me of my past, my marriage was also instantaneously healed. Our marriage has never been better than it is right now, and I will be forever grateful to God for it.

God has also brought my daughter and I back together. I will not go into details at this time; just know that this too has been healed.

One thing we have yet to be healed of, however, is our finances. We are struggling horribly, barely making it month to month. Everything is so much more expensive down here in Southern California, than it is in Oregon. My husband’s past employer, whom his retirement is through, is playing games with what little they provide. They’ve added higher copays and deductibles to our health insurance, and they are taking more and more funds out of his pension (to pay their higher costs of providing the insurance, I suppose). Plus our motor coach broke down three times on our way south, which drained our savings account, and now we fear traveling too far because if we break down again, we won’t be able to fix her again. So my latest struggle on our journey, which God has us on, is overcoming the fear of being stranded in the middle of nowhere, with no money. Though I should not fear even this, because God has always been faithful to make sure I have been taken care of in my times of need. He has always provided some form of “Manna” to keep us alive, sheltered, and fed.

Sometimes I worry and I fear that I will not be able to carry out this mission He has placed on my heart. I fear this because of our lack of finances. How can I ever hope to help others, if we ourselves are barely above destitute? Though in this area, I do have hope, for my God is a faithful god. I know He will provide when the time is right. In the meantime, I continue to pray and believe.

My prayer for you today is that, even if your year has been painful, that you can see where God has given bits of joy for your endurance. I also pray that God will provide and care for you, as He has been faithful to love and care for me.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY SEVEN: The Culture of Fear

Today we are ending the first full week of the 16 Days Campaign. Has it been a struggle getting through all this, so far? Have you feared what other shoe might drop in your own life?

“There is no fear in love.” 1 John 4:18

Did you know that the opposite of love is not hate?

The opposite of love is fear.

All that I have presented up to this point in The 16 Days Campaign, aside from my day of thanks, reflects a sense of fear in the lives of the victims and children involved in domestic abuse and violence.

Rather than speak directly about the fear, today let’s take a different tact and speak about the love which is available to all of us, and also a bit of my personal testimony about love conquering fear.

The first love I want to talk about is the love that gets us into the most trouble. It is eros love. This love is more in the sense of being in love, as opposed to sexual desire; although, sexual desire is part of eros love. This love is more concerned with what we can get out of the relationship, true, but at the same time, it promotes the desire to submit ourselves to another, the one we love. This is romantic love, if viewed in its purest sense. While being a very profound experience, it can lead to evil (such as sexual addiction, violence, and pornography) as well as leading to a fully satisfying marriage relationship.

As such, we must take care to keep our eros love pure, respectful, and self-sacrificing rather than self-serving. This is not to say we should submit ourselves to abuse, however; for we must maintain love and respect for ourselves as well as for our partner.

The second is philia love. This is basically a brotherly love, friendship at its deepest sense. It is love between friends and represents one of the strongest bonds between people. According to C.S. Lewis, it is a love that is freely chosen but not necessary for the survival of the species.

And then there is the greatest of loves, agape love, which is a deep caring or godly love for someone even if you do not know them well or approve of their behaviors. This is the God level of love. This is unconditional love. Although it is at the God level, people can and do reach this level all the time. If you can show compassion for your enemy, then you are demonstrating agape love. Moreover, if you can put your differences aside and work on a solution together, amicably rather than fighting incessantly, this too is agape love, because you are putting the needs of the other, the needs of the whole, and the search for an honorable solution before your own needs. Setting your own comfort aside to help another is agape love, and it is a very good and honorable thing to do.

I have not always managed to attain this level of love in my relationships, and I have asked Our Lord’s forgiveness in this matter. My past was so shattered that for a long time, I did not even consider myself worthy of love, let alone worthy of agape love from another human being, and so those who had hurt me in the past, I allowed to continue to hurt me by not setting our differences aside and working on an honorable solution. Please don’t take this to mean that I did not care for the ones who were hurting me. I loved them very deeply and I tried to be in relationship with them, but every day my heart was being broken repeatedly by their deeds and their words spoken to me and against me. I eventually had to make the heartbreaking decision that it was best for my own health to pull back. Because I was seriously ill at the time, I was being told by my doctor, my husband, and others who truly cared about me, that I needed to get the stress out of my life if I ever wanted to heal. Otherwise, they warned, I was on the brink of being hospitalized because I kept getting sicker instead of better, despite valiant efforts where my medical treatment was concerned.

Because of the grave state my own health was in, I allowed my anxiety to reign, and I grew to fear any contact with the people who were hurting me and spreading lies about me. I lost out on working toward closeness and closure with a very dear loved one because he passed away without ever acknowledging the depth of my pain and illness and also the extent of my heartbreak from what he was saying to me and about me. He died without ever really knowing who I am, without him ever putting an end to the lies and hurtful words he was saying. I did not know how to make him stop, even though I tried my best to stay in relationship and to make him understand how much I loved him despite me being unable to physically be there for him (because of the severe extent of my own illness); but when I pulled away from the relationship, it seemed to only antagonize him further into more hurtful words.

This person was an alcoholic. Alcoholism is one of my challenges in relationship. It can tear a family apart, and because of my family history, I have never been able to deal well with an active (or dry) alcoholic. I am not nor have I ever been an alcoholic, but I have been surrounded by alcoholism my entire life, and the culture of fear I grew up in colored so many of my decisions, throughout my entire life. I feared becoming addicted to alcohol and so I have been very careful not to fall into that trap, but more devastating was my fear of becoming addicted to pain pills because of my familial connection to addiction. Because of this fear, I suffered needlessly in pain, crying every night in severe pain, because I did not want to become addicted. I was denying myself comfort; I was denying myself the self love that could have soothed so many of my fears. I did not love myself enough to accept that I deserved to be pain-free just as much as the next person. I also did not trust in Our Lord enough to know that His love could help me out of this cycle of fear and ultimately keep me from addiction.

I did fall into addiction for a short time. This is difficult for me to admit. Before my healing took place, my pain was so severe, I could not stand it anymore. I finally asked my doctor to prescribe something a few months before we left on our mission. Then I turned to these drugs to soothe not only my physical pain but also my emotional pain. It became a vicious cycle, where I would cry myself to sleep because no matter how much morphine or Vicodin I took, the pain never left my body, and I would wake up a few hours later with my whole body shaking because I was in so much pain. It had been years since I had a good night’s sleep, and even though I now had the drugs to combat the pain, my body was so devastated, so ravaged by the illness and unrelenting pain for so many years, that no amount of drugs was going to soothe it.

I finally got to the point that I prayed for deliverance, for an end to it all. If God wasn’t going to give me divine healing, then I wanted to be dead because I could not take any more pain. I stopped taking all my meds, even those for the Lyme disease and adrenal insufficiency and my myriad of other issues, and I fasted for two days, trusting that God would deliver me one way or the other.

I continued to trust day-by-day for a week, setting aside my fears that the pain would never end. I had to let go of the fear that was keeping me in bondage to my pain. Then we enlisted the help of a very mighty prayer team, when my husband asked if our pastor at our new church here in Beaumont could pray healing over me.

It was amazing. I was released. From the illness. From the fear. From the worst of my pain.

I still have pain, but it is not like it used to be. I am old and I am fat and it is winter. Those are three strikes against me at this point. It will take time to get my body back into shape, but I am continuing to trust in Our Lord, and my fear of the pain is gone.

Even though I was raised in an dysfunctional alcoholic home and grew to fear just about everything and I grew up not feeling loved or even wanted, God set me free from all that.

My prayer for you today is that you would ask God to heal you of your deep-set fears.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY FOUR: Thankful Even In Times of Pain

Today is day four of The 16 Days Campaign to end domestic abuse and violence against women.

Since today is Thanksgiving Day in the United States, I thought I would change tactics a bit, where The 16 Days Campaign is concerned.

Up to this point I have been sharing a lot of pain and statistics, and having so much pain in constant view can dampen the soul. Therefore, I believe it is important to give thanks and count our blessings whenever we can.

Even on my worst days, I try to find something to be thankful for, some small blessing God has placed in my life. It is a matter of a perspective change, an attitude adjustment.

So, here is my short list of blessings and what I have to be thankful for today.

First, I am thankful to have Jesus in my heart, and the Holy Spirit guiding my decisions and actions.

I am thankful that I found a wonderful man, my second husband. He shares his love, compassion, and devotion with me, even when I do not believe I deserve it.

I am blessed greatly that I have my daughter back in my life and that I can see positive things happening in her life and the lives of those around her, simply for having spent time with her.

I am blessed that my son is able to cover all his own bills and that he has a good head on his shoulders and looks toward the future more than the past, all at the tender age of 21.

I am saddened because my son is no longer geographically close to me, since we moved to Southern California from Oregon. But I am blessed that he and I can text often.

I am blessed to have two wonderful dogs, each with her own personality and ability to bolster my mood at a moment’s notice.

I am blessed that even though the bank account is empty, we have enough food in our bellies and in our cupboards. And I am blessed to now have love constantly surrounding me, even in these very difficult times.

I am blessed to have all of you on my side, to help in the fight against domestic violence and the homeless epidemic among our families.

I am thankful that Our Lord chose me, when He laid this heavy mission on my heart, and I am grateful that He then healed me of my past so that I could carry out the mission He has chosen me for.

I am thankful for The Lord’s healing touch in my life.

My prayer for you today is that you could recognize the small blessings that shower down around all of us every day.

In Thanksgiving,

Jennifer Joy

The Compassionate Pug

My five-year-old Tinker Belle is one amazing dog. I have always known this, for she has soothed my pain and eased my suffering since she was a pup. Her innate abilities led me to give her special training, so that she could go with me everywhere I go. She has been my service dog for several years now, able to search out my pain and then offer me comfort. She has also been my anxiety and panic dog, able to calm me in some of the worst panic attacks I have ever experienced. Thankfully, The Lord has blessed me, healing me from my panic attacks, and so my Tinker Belle has less “work” to do these days.

Maybe this lack of “work” is what led her to rescue a kitten Tuesday morning. When my husband, Ken, took Tinker on her morning walk, Tinker led him in an area they usually don’t go, between the service buildings at the RV park where we are staying this week. As they were passing a small porch on one of the sheds, Ken heard soft mewing. So he began looking for its source, and as he and Tinker were standing there, out came a very tiny kitten. This little kitten approached Tinker and attempted to suckle, obviously very hungry from being alone all night. Although Tinker wanted nothing to do with being nursed on by a kitten, she patiently led the small kitten back to its mama, with Ken’s help.

I wish he had been able to get pictures. It had to have been an amazing sight to see a Pug leading a tiny kitten to safety.

As this small parade approached where Ken had remembered seeing the mama and kittens before, another kitten came out from under an RV, full of happiness at seeing his missing littermate. And this is how the little lost kitten reunited with the rest of his family who were living under an RV.

Unfortunately, this park is being overrun by feral cats. I have heard more than a few people say they would like to help with catching, spaying and neutering, and finding them all homes, but few people have yet to step up with anything more than setting food out (and the park frowns on this small act of compassion,not wanting to encourage even more cats to call the park home). It is unfortunate that not turning our words into deeds has become so prevalent in this day and age.

My prayer for today is for the animals, these and all feral cats. May some angel walk into their lives and find mercy and compassion in their hearts to find these little blessings each a loving home of their own.

Until then, I will pray for the resources and the funds to do just that.

In His Holy Name,

Jennifer Joy

Gobbling Up the Goodness

Sunday when we went to church, we were asked if we were looking for work, meaning volunteer opportunities. I almost shouted, “Always!” and so we made our way to the Morongo Indian Reservation early Monday morning to help with the Morongo Thanksgiving Outreach and their turkey distribution project. Our church was working through the larger women’s Christian organization, Aglow International.

I have never seen so many turkeys—a record was set with 10,000 turkeys this year, according to Morongo’s website. Pallet after pallet, semi after semi poured into the community center, where over a hundred volunteers had assembled to help out. It was an amazing experience, and I was humbled to be a part of it.

My husband, Ken, goofing around when he was supposed to be labeling boxes.

This is only a small portion of our work.

The trucks used to distribute our church’s turkeys may have been too small for the entire pallet, but our hands were mighty!

Above is the lunch line, at the end of our busy day.They fed us just about the best Mexican food I’ve tasted in a long time.

My prayer for you today is that you will be blessed in times of need and that you will seek opportunities to get your hands dirty blessing others in their time of need as well.

In His Glorious Service,

Jennifer Joy

Ouch!

I had another dream. God seems to talk to me through my dreams, and when I awake, oftentimes confused or frustrated by my dream, He patiently takes the time to try to explain it to me, usually through scripture. For The Bible is a living thing. If we listen, we can hear The Word breathe truth into our lives.

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1

In my dream the other night, I had a horrible toothache. My molar was aching terribly. Then The Lord touched my tooth, and the pain was instantly gone. I awoke confused, as usual. And as usual, I have learned to ask God for clarification. Still in a half sleep state, He spoke directly to me this time, instead of through scripture. He said that my toothache represented an unresolved sin in my life. He asked me if I knew which sin might be causing me such grief, for the mouth is the conduit through which our heart speaks. I acknowledged my sin, and when He touched my tooth, the pain disappeared, and I was forgiven.

“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Luke 6:45

The sin I acknowledged was that I have been ridiculing myself for years for being a horrible parent. I have been holding that sin, that pain in my heart because of my past depression and because I was never really there for my children, especially my daughter when she needed me most, because of my depression.

Our Benevolent Father forgave me of that sin and has given me the blessing of having my daughter in my life once again.

I thought I had lost her, because though I tried, I could not keep her in my life, and she ran away from everyone and everything she knew when she was twenty-three.

Now we are two years later, and our relationship has blossomed into something so beautiful. It took me coming all the way to Beaumont to find her and to start fresh. (To clarify, I found out she was in Beaumont after six months of not knowing anything, but I did not know how much her life had changed for the good.)

After she came to Beaumont, The Lord must have moved mountains in her life, for she is now an entirely different person than she was in Vancouver, Washington. I can see a light shining in her as never before, and I am humbly grateful for having been given this gift I felt I did not deserve.

My prayer for you today is that you can find peace about your past sins, especially where your most important relationships are concerned.

In His Loving Embrace,

Jennifer Joy

Welcome One and All

Hello One and All,

Welcome to When He Reigns!

Okay, so here goes. This is the first post for my new blog and also will be the last post for my old blog. Believe me, this is no small undertaking, nor is it done without much thought and prayer. It is difficult to leave something behind that has been my companion, my outlet for so long.

God has been prompting me again, quite insistently as He does at times, especially when I am not listening to His still small voice. He has instructed me to start a new blog totally dedicated to our mission, Bethel Grace Abbey. He has prompted me that RV’ing the Dream needs to be left behind. I cried out to Him that I would lose all my followers if I stopped writing on RV’ing the Dream. Our Benevolent Father assured me, however, that those who are meant to follow, will continue to follow even if I leave my old blog behind. God assured me that when I switch over to a blog totally dedicated to our mission, Bethel Grace Abbey, He will populate my online community far more than the few (His word) who follow our adventures on RV’ing the Dream.

I argued with Him, as I often do because I am human. I argued that this is the most popular my blog has ever been. The number of hits soar daily. So it is difficult for me to leave behind something that has finally come into its own. And maybe that’s the problem. The Dream was never to be “its own.” The Dream has always been His, even though at first I imagined we would be on a wonderful journey, traveling these beautiful United States of ours, for at least five years.

But as you can probably tell, as time has passed, the entire flavor of my blog changed. Everything I do is now in pursuit of the calling He graciously placed on my heart many years ago. My whole life is consumed by His calling. As each day passes, the mission, the dream, the calling becomes clearer and clearer in my mind and in my heart. As each day passes, more and more of my time and energy are spent in pursuit of His dream for my life.

So it is with reluctance but also with great anticipation that I now leave “RV’ing the Dream” behind and start anew on this new blog, “When He Reigns” that He wants me to write. I am placing a link on RV’ingthe Dream so that all who desire to continue to follow, can.

Please find it in your heart to bless this mission of ours by spreading the word about our mission to humbly serve the heartbroken and homeless of Southern California, because when He reigns, it pours! And I can feel we are on the brink of something huge and glorious happening in our lives.

Thank you all for seeing me through all my heartache and pain, my trials and fears, and for continuing with us on our journey into this glorious new day.

In His Holy Name,

Jennifer Joy