Love at the Foot of the Cross

I said a while back that I would talk more about love. So here it is.

The perfect definition of love is found in 1 Corinthians 13, and it goes like this:

“Love is patient,

Love is kind.

It does not envy,

It does not boast,

It is not proud.

It does not dishonor others,

It is not self-seeking,

It is not easily angered,

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil

But rejoices with the truth.

It always protects,

Always trusts,

Always hopes,

Always perseveres.

Love never fails.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Wow. What a list. Sometimes I think to myself, “How many of these characteristics of love do I exhibit to others? How do I measure up on the Jesus scale?”

I know that I am much more patient than I was in my younger years. But I still have a long ways to go. Besides, have you ever noticed that sometimes you are more patient with friends and acquaintances than you are with your own family members? I know I am. Patience has never been my strong suit, and my patience gets tested quite often and I fail more often than not with my  husband, especially now that we live in extremely close quarters. (We live in a 32 foot motorhome with our two dogs, Tinker Belle the Pug and Gracie the standard poodle puppy.)

I try to be as kind as possible, in my dealings with others. However, this, too, can be a struggling point when my mouth speaks before my brain thinks it through--especially when I am tired or in pain. I have to keep telling myself that unkind words will not help the situation, neither will my habit of “needing” to have the last word on a subject. The Holy Spirit has been working on me lately concerning fewer words being better.

“Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.”

Ecclesiastes 5:2

(Personal addendum, based on Psalm 139: Everything is uttered before God because he hears all and knows all, even before we speak it or do it.)

Envy. I have mostly conquered envy, but there are still times when I get jealous or covet something someone else owns.

And, yes, I do catch myself boasting from time to time, but I rationalize it, thinking that it might benefit so-and-so if they heard about my personal victory. It is not necessarily bad to tell about our victories, so long as we give the glory to God, because if He did not equip us and provide for us, we would not have the victories to boast about. Our victories come through His blessings.

“But, ‘Let the one who boasts boast in The Lord.’ for it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom The Lord commends.”

2 Corinthians 10:17-18

What exactly is pride? When I typed “define pride” into the Bing search engine, the second definition that it showed was “proper sense of own value.”

 Wow. So, according to the world (as pointed out by the above), we are supposed to be prideful? I understand that we should feel good about ourselves and that we need to have a sense of personal respect, but seriously? Pride is the proper sense of our own value? I think not, and I base my belief on the teachings of Jesus. Humility is what our personal value needs to be based on. Jesus washed people’s feet. He did not let His status as the king, as God incarnate, interfere with what He came to this earth to accomplish. To be a servant is more important than any other thing we might have to be prideful about. John 13 states it best.

“Jesus knew that The Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.”

John 13:3-5

Today’s world is so full of pride and arrogance, that the world tends to disparage those who do not conform to the worldly ways of “me-me-me” and winning no matter the cost, calling us “nonconformists” weak and stupid. The world idolizes movie stars and professional sports figures. No wonder they are so arrogant, being held to that level by their fans.

Alas, even with my disdain for pride, I occasionally fall prey to its evil draw. I am only human, after all.

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit along with the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud.”

Proverbs 16:18-19

How am I doing so far? It doesn’t look too promising for me to ever achieve God’s definition of love; however, God knows this about all of us humans.

My point in showing how I fail at some of these love traits is not to disparage myself. I show my faults to demonstrate that having faults in these areas is nothing to beat yourself up about. So long as we are working faithfully on our weaknesses, God will be pleased with us. God knows we are human and that as humans, we have a tendency to be self-centered and that we have a sinful nature.

God delights in us when we take our faults and our failures to Him. When we take our pride and our ego and we place them at the foot of the cross, He will help us bear our burdens and wipe away our shame.

He loves us that much.

My final words on love comes again from 1 Corinthians 13:

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:13

My prayer for you today is that you would know love in your life, the deep, abiding love only found in relationship with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

In His grace,

Jennifer Joy

Angels Singing

Please forgive that I have not been writing for a while. I have had the flu for at least the past month, making life quite miserable. I will talk more about the flu and its significance later, but for now I would like to share the story of my daughter’s birth, as tomorrow is her 26th birthday. I would add some of her baby pictures, except, sadly, we left them in Oregon.

My daughter, Kristina Marie, was born on a crisp, clear, cold day, the twenty-sixth day of the year, 1988, in a rickety old naval hospital on Whidbey Island. I can remember the icy wind; it seemed to seep right through the walls and windows. (This is why I joke with her about being born in a barn. That and the fact that the medical corpsmen treated us like cattle.) Luckily, I had a bed away from the window. Unluckily, since it was a shared room (having four beds), I bunked with a woman who must have thought hairspray was the glue that held the world together. She was a typical big-hair eighties type of woman, and so she was constantly applying makeup and fumigating the room with aerosol Aqua Net and nauseatingly floral perfume.

As a side note, Hairspray starring Ricki Lake hit the big screen in 1988, garnering its title from the simple fact that big eighties hair took a lot of spray to hold it all up. Since we are talking about eighties culture, I would most likely have been listening to Whitney Houston, Lionel Richie, and Heart, but my favorite song in 1988 was George Michael’s Faith.

Back then, we could get a gallon of gas for under a dollar, and postage was still under a quarter. Back then, I managed to get in and out of the grocery store, including diapers and baby food, for under $100 a month. Starbucks was just an infant itself, and coffee had not yet become the rage it is today. Checking accounts also typically earned interest. In fact, my first checking account was earning 5.25%. That’s unheard of nowadays. Savings accounts do not even earn that much today.

Kristina Marie was born on a Tuesday, although she was due over a week earlier, on a Friday (the fifteenth). I have always told her that she was born fashionably late, because she took her sweet time coming into the world, after 38 hours of labor, finally arriving just before 2:30 in the afternoon, on January 26, 1988. This was a leap year, something she and I have in common. Incidentally, my son was also born during a leap year.

Since she was determined to be fashionably late, I was likewise determined to employ just about any old wives’ tale to make her want to leave my womb. Someone told us that spicy food would trigger labor. Therefore, the Saturday before she was born, we went out for Chinese and then went to see Hello Vietnam, starring Robin Williams. The spicy food did not work, but between the MSG and hitting my head on the doorframe of our 1971 Chevy Malibu, I did have a whopper of a headache.

She weighed a healthy 8 pounds 5 ounces, and although this was considered “large,” especially for a first child, labor was a breeze. That is, the actual hard labor, when I was actively pushing, not the 37 hours that preceded it. I have never told anyone this before, but when I began pushing, a beautiful sense of peace came over me. It was as if nothing else mattered. Life. Death. The price of a cup of coffee. Nothing. Yet everything would soon matter for this new life that was entering the world. As I disappeared into the selfless act of birthing, the outside world went suddenly still. Although the doctors and corpsmen continued to buzz noisily around me, I heard nothing but angels singing. Even though I chose a drug-free birth, I felt no pain while pushing. Absolutely no pain. When I heard a faint voice say, “push,” I pushed. Instead of pain, a sense of warmth and joy overwhelmed me. When the voice said to push again, I pushed again, but still no pain. There was only this overwhelming peace as I floated, as if buoyed by the voices of angels. Four pushes, then I held my daughter in my arms for the first time. It was the single most beautiful experience of my life.

I had heard other women tell of not remembering the pain. Even though the women telling these stories acknowledged that there had been pain, they could not remember the severity. Thankfully, pain has a way of disappearing from our memories in this way, and it only leaves traces behind. It leaves an “oh, yeah, I remember now,” type memory, which we recall only when we go through it again. This was not the case for me. I seriously felt no pain. During the bulk of my labor, I do remember a great amount of pain, and fear. In fact, I cried out for my mother. Kristina’s father called my mom and told her I needed her, and so she and my sister drove five hours, to arrive just after Kristina was born. But during the active part of labor, it was as if God had placed the angels there to take the pain from me and allow me the full beauty of the moment. The pure ecstasy of it all. I thought maybe I had imagined it, that is, until I had my son. The pain from his birth, I distinctly remember going through it all. Unlike his sister, he was in a hurry to enter this world, and if his head had not been so big, he probably would have been born in the car on the way to the hospital. The pain from his birth was overwhelming and so sudden that it sent my body into shock, but his is another story not meant for today, other than as a point of comparison.

My newborn and I spent three days in the hospital, which was a typical length of stay back then. The Navy charged us a whopping $26.85 for our hospital stay, which was the cost of the meals consumed. I bet you couldn’t pull that off today, without having double coverage or some other wickedly good medical plan.

My prayer for you today is for peace, love, and joy through all of life’s challenges.

In His grace,

Jennifer Joy

Friendship, Love, and Loyalty

What is friendship, truly? Is it only a relationship, through which we can get our own personal needs met?

Surely, it is not.

Friendship is a deep and lasting bond. Friendship is a gift we can treasure the rest of our lives. The bond between friends is one of the strongest on earth.

Friendship oftentimes is stronger than blood relationships. It is unfortunate but true. We cannot choose our birth family, but God has chosen our parents and siblings for us for a reason. Life is a learning experience from the day we are born to the day we die, and God has given our specific families to us so that we can learn the lessons He has intended for us.

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” Proverbs 17:17

King Saul’s initial feelings for David show how deceptive relationships can be and also how fleeting. It shows how we cannot always trust a person’s words, their confession of love for us. All too often, words are as empty as the air used to breathe them into existence.

“Saul liked him very much, and David became one of his armor-bearers.” 1 Samuel 16:21

“And from that time on Saul kept a close eye on David. . . Saul had a spear in his hand and he hurled it, saying to himself, ‘I’ll pin David to the wall.’ But David eluded him twice. Saul was afraid of David, because The Lord was with David but had departed from Saul.” 1 Samuel 18:9, 10-11

“Saul’s plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines.” 1 Samuel 18:25

“Saul became still more afraid of him, and he remained his enemy the rest of his days.” 1 Samuel 18:29

Yet true loyalty in friendship can be found, as in the relationship between David and King Saul’s son, Jonathan.

“Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.” 1 Samuel 18:1

By all human rights, Jonathan should have succeeded his father as king, yet by God’s anointing through the prophet Samuel (1 Samuel 16), David was to be Saul’s successor. Through normal human jealousy, Jonathan should have cursed the day David was born. Through that time’s acceptable loyalty to his father, Jonathan should have set out to kill David, just as his father tried to do. Even now, people tend to choose family over outsiders, as a sign of family loyalty, and it is good and honorable to do so in most cases. However, Jonathan followed the Word of God, rather than the bitterness of his own father’s jealousy and rage against David, when he chose to support and protect the rightful heir to the throne (David) from his father.

“While David was at Horesh in the Desert of Ziph, he learned that Saul had come out to take his life. And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God. ‘Don’t be afraid,’ he said. ‘My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.’” 1 Samuel 23:15-17

Jonathan was unable to follow his father’s example because his father chose to follow his own jealousy, fear, and rage. Jonathan chose a better path. He chose to listen to God and to honor his bond of friendship, even though this, in a way, dishonored his father.

Sometimes we must make these choices, if our own family does not set a good example.

What, then, is love?

God is love. (1 John 4:16)

Love is manifest in peace, mercy, grace, respect, trust, compassion, sincerity, forgiveness, and other noble pursuits.

There is no fear in love. (1 John 4:18)

Love is not found in scheming, lying, cheating, anger, jealousy, violence, insults, hatred, and the like.

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:9-10

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.” Matthew 7:12

I will come back to speak more about love another day.

So in the meantime . . .

My prayer for you today is that you might know the depth and the beauty and the trueness of God’s love.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

Finding Joy at Christmas-Time

Parties to attend (or throw).

Gifts to purchase and wrap.

Cards to write.

Cookies to bake.

Packages to ship.

Family dinners to cook.

Wow. I don’t know where to begin. Hmm. I do know that most won’t get done, in this house anyway. Can’t afford to be frivolous. Finances are tight. Finances get tighter for more and more families every year.

What’s worse, parents buy into the societal messages that more is better and that our kids should be spoiled half to death, else we are not good parents. This is not the message we, as adults, should be receiving from other adults or from society. This is also not the message we want our kids to walk away with. If our kids buy into the idea that more presents equals being loved more, then when s/he receives only one small gift under the tree, s/he believes s/he’s not loved.

We as parents propagate this falsehood as well, by feeling that we cannot properly express our love with that measly offering under the tree. We mope and make excuses and we make promises for next year. Please don’t make promises you cannot keep. Kids remember the broken promises, and broken promises work at damaging the soul and tearing away at trust.

Moping and making excuses isn’t the way to convey a positive message. Even if there is only the love in our hearts as our offering under the tree, we must show that our love, and the love of our Lord and Savior, is sufficient for joy to thrive during the holidays and all year long.

Christ is the reason for the season. Christmas is about celebrating Our Lord’s birth. Yes, it is true that the wise men brought wonderful, expensive gifts, but the shepherds brought only their adoration because they had nothing else to offer. Mary and Joseph welcomed all who came to witness the birth of Our Savior. Even though some brought magnificent gifts, no gift was required to behold our newborn Lord.

On that note, I would like to offer a different way to look at things this Christmas season. Yes, gifts are great, and yes, I believe every child should have something to look forward to on Christmas morning; however, we need not succumb to the many societal and media influences, nor the peer-pressure-induced stress, depression, and anxiety.

Commit the following verse to heart, because I’d like to offer several reasons why this single verse could add joy to your celebrations this year. First, it teaches us what true treasure is all about, (and it isn’t anything you can carry in your pocket). And second, it teaches us what God cares about and ultimately, how He loves us.

“But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” Luke 2:19

 What did Mary “treasure up” in her heart? She treasured the glorifying words of the shepherds, about her newborn son, Jesus. She treasured up the wonder of the Magi who followed a star all the way to Bethlehem just to see her newborn son, The Christ Jesus (see Matthew 2:1-2). She treasured the (most likely) exemplary behavior of her young son, Jesus (see Luke 2:51), even if she didn’t always understand. She treasured up the amazement of others, when they first heard her Jesus speak.

I imagine that she also treasured up all the normal things we moms (and dads) treasure up in our own hearts about our own children. And she pondered what it all would mean for her son, just as we ponder the futures of our own children.

I’ve just compared Mary’s parental love to our own. Now, I would like to take it a step farther and compare Mary’s love for her son, Jesus, with God the Father’s love for us.

God loves us unconditionally. He revels in our successes, and His heart breaks for us when we don’t succeed. He is one of those fathers who loves us to such a degree that He trusts us to make our own mistakes. He also loves us to such a degree that He patiently waits for us to come running home for help, after we make a mess of things on our own. He will never say, “I told you so.” He holds no contempt for our sinful nature. He will not shame us or refuse us when we finally come to Him.

God knows the circumstances of our lives, even before we try to explain things to Him or make excuses for our behavior. He knows our hearts better than we do, and God knows that there is no shame in poverty. Society tries to shame the poor and less fortunate, but God never shames us for our misfortune or our mistakes.

When we can barely make it from one week to the next, many of us fear going to church because we fear the time when the offering bag comes around. It is embarrassing to have nothing to offer, especially when churches are making extra pleas at this time of year, to support their many worldly missions. Sometimes we can even be made to feel left out, when our own church doesn’t recognize our need, yet they cry for the needs of people halfway around the world, whom they’ve never even met.

Don’t feel bad if you have had this thought. I know I have, in years past. How could I worry about them, when I didn’t even know whether we would have enough on our own table for Christmas dinner? It made me feel like I was a horrible person, not caring about the children in Africa (or wherever else). Fact was, I did care for the welfare of these children and their families. It just tore me apart too much, to not be able to do anything to help them. It was yet another obligation on my heart that I could not meet.

God understands why we feel this way. He knows that it is difficult to have compassion for the needs of others when our own needs are not being met. For me personally, and most likely for you, God knows that if I had it to give, I would gladly give it, and then some.

When it comes to our tithes and offerings, God knows our hearts. He knows when a dollar has been stretched as far as it possibly can be stretched. He knows that pang in our hearts when we can barely feed our own family. He knows our heartache when we cannot set aside what we want to, for charity, for tithing, for good and honorable reasons, for our children. God knows our list of priorities and obligations. He knows that sometimes, we simply don’t have it to give.

And that’s okay with God. He knows that we will all go through hard times and trials. It is inevitable. All He asks, is that we ask for his help to get us through our hard times.

So don’t fear going to church. There is no shame in being unable to tithe right now. Someday you will be able to. Your need to be there should far outweigh the lack in your offering. If your church puts more emphasis on that magical ten percent, then they aren’t worth their weight, in my opinion. Tithing is not about reaching that predetermined ten percent. It is about the condition of our hearts. And church is about helping each other, being a community, even closer, a family.

God knows that sometimes we need help, and He also knows our prideful side. Set aside the pride and turn it all over to His able hands. He’s been waiting for us to ask for help. For He is a gentle and patient Father.

“The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.” Psalm 103:8

I challenge you to find ways to teach your children about storing up treasures in the heart. It’s never too early nor too late to teach about the pitfalls of materialism.

• Make gifts from recyclables with your children, to give to teachers, friends, family. Teach the good old message that it is not the gift but the thought that counts.
• Take an early evening walk with your children, around the neighborhood, to check out everyone else’s lights and yard decorations. Use this time to teach about appreciating the fleeting nature of beauty and the splendor all around us.
• Take your children to volunteer their time. This can be as simple as going to a senior care center and singing carols; or offering to make ornaments with the seniors; or it can be as complicated as putting together all your kids’ friends and their parents, to sing carols around the neighborhood.
• Decorating doesn’t have to be expensive, either. Those shiny advertisers that come as junk mail make quite sparkly paper chains. Kids love to color and paint, so let them make all sorts of decorations and cards to hand out.
• Nifty homemade window clings can be made with clear contact paper and Sharpies.
• Let your imagination soar.

My prayer for you today is that finding your family’s joy isn’t an expensive prospect. I pray you can return to simpler ways, and create for yourself a simpler, easier, more joy-filled life.

In His grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY THIRTEEN: The Biblical Significance of Sixteen Days

Today is day thirteen of The 16 Days Campaign, and I would like to share the biblical significance of the number 16 and, specifically, 16 days.

I do not find this topic mentioned anywhere else, that I have seen in the 16 Day Campaign, and being a follower of Christ, I believed it important that someone shares how powerful the number 16 is, and specifically how 16 short days can change the world.

There are 16 qualities of Love, according to 1 Corinthians 13

• Love is patient
• Love is kind
• Love does not envy
• Love does not boast
• Love is not proud
• Love does not dishonor others
• Love is not self seeking
• Love is not easily angered
• Love keeps no record of wrongs
• Love does not delight in evil
• Love rejoices with the truth
• Love always protects
• Love always trusts
• Love always hopes
• Love always perseveres
• Love never fails

Some sources say that the number 16 literally means love in The Bible. (God Counts, W. E. Filmer http://www.asis.com/users/stag/godcount.html)

There were sixteen prophets in the Old Testament and sixteen apostles and evangelists in the New Testament.

King Ahaz reigned sixteen years in Jerusalem (2 Kings 16:2, 2 Chronicles 28:24). He was by far the worst idol-worshiping King to have reigned in those days. And yet, his son, Hezekiah, rebuilt the Temple of God and restored hope and faith in his kingdom in the first month of his reign. It only took sixteen days to restore the temple (2 Chronicles 29:15-17).

What took 16 years for his father to destroy, this God-empowered King Hezekiah restored in only 16 days.

God is so powerful. He can accomplish anything, including restoring our families and communities to health.

My prayer for you today is that you have the faith to know it is possible, that domestic violence can be eradicated from our homes, our communities, and from our world.

In His Holy Grace,

Jennifer Joy

DAY SEVEN: The Culture of Fear

Today we are ending the first full week of the 16 Days Campaign. Has it been a struggle getting through all this, so far? Have you feared what other shoe might drop in your own life?

“There is no fear in love.” 1 John 4:18

Did you know that the opposite of love is not hate?

The opposite of love is fear.

All that I have presented up to this point in The 16 Days Campaign, aside from my day of thanks, reflects a sense of fear in the lives of the victims and children involved in domestic abuse and violence.

Rather than speak directly about the fear, today let’s take a different tact and speak about the love which is available to all of us, and also a bit of my personal testimony about love conquering fear.

The first love I want to talk about is the love that gets us into the most trouble. It is eros love. This love is more in the sense of being in love, as opposed to sexual desire; although, sexual desire is part of eros love. This love is more concerned with what we can get out of the relationship, true, but at the same time, it promotes the desire to submit ourselves to another, the one we love. This is romantic love, if viewed in its purest sense. While being a very profound experience, it can lead to evil (such as sexual addiction, violence, and pornography) as well as leading to a fully satisfying marriage relationship.

As such, we must take care to keep our eros love pure, respectful, and self-sacrificing rather than self-serving. This is not to say we should submit ourselves to abuse, however; for we must maintain love and respect for ourselves as well as for our partner.

The second is philia love. This is basically a brotherly love, friendship at its deepest sense. It is love between friends and represents one of the strongest bonds between people. According to C.S. Lewis, it is a love that is freely chosen but not necessary for the survival of the species.

And then there is the greatest of loves, agape love, which is a deep caring or godly love for someone even if you do not know them well or approve of their behaviors. This is the God level of love. This is unconditional love. Although it is at the God level, people can and do reach this level all the time. If you can show compassion for your enemy, then you are demonstrating agape love. Moreover, if you can put your differences aside and work on a solution together, amicably rather than fighting incessantly, this too is agape love, because you are putting the needs of the other, the needs of the whole, and the search for an honorable solution before your own needs. Setting your own comfort aside to help another is agape love, and it is a very good and honorable thing to do.

I have not always managed to attain this level of love in my relationships, and I have asked Our Lord’s forgiveness in this matter. My past was so shattered that for a long time, I did not even consider myself worthy of love, let alone worthy of agape love from another human being, and so those who had hurt me in the past, I allowed to continue to hurt me by not setting our differences aside and working on an honorable solution. Please don’t take this to mean that I did not care for the ones who were hurting me. I loved them very deeply and I tried to be in relationship with them, but every day my heart was being broken repeatedly by their deeds and their words spoken to me and against me. I eventually had to make the heartbreaking decision that it was best for my own health to pull back. Because I was seriously ill at the time, I was being told by my doctor, my husband, and others who truly cared about me, that I needed to get the stress out of my life if I ever wanted to heal. Otherwise, they warned, I was on the brink of being hospitalized because I kept getting sicker instead of better, despite valiant efforts where my medical treatment was concerned.

Because of the grave state my own health was in, I allowed my anxiety to reign, and I grew to fear any contact with the people who were hurting me and spreading lies about me. I lost out on working toward closeness and closure with a very dear loved one because he passed away without ever acknowledging the depth of my pain and illness and also the extent of my heartbreak from what he was saying to me and about me. He died without ever really knowing who I am, without him ever putting an end to the lies and hurtful words he was saying. I did not know how to make him stop, even though I tried my best to stay in relationship and to make him understand how much I loved him despite me being unable to physically be there for him (because of the severe extent of my own illness); but when I pulled away from the relationship, it seemed to only antagonize him further into more hurtful words.

This person was an alcoholic. Alcoholism is one of my challenges in relationship. It can tear a family apart, and because of my family history, I have never been able to deal well with an active (or dry) alcoholic. I am not nor have I ever been an alcoholic, but I have been surrounded by alcoholism my entire life, and the culture of fear I grew up in colored so many of my decisions, throughout my entire life. I feared becoming addicted to alcohol and so I have been very careful not to fall into that trap, but more devastating was my fear of becoming addicted to pain pills because of my familial connection to addiction. Because of this fear, I suffered needlessly in pain, crying every night in severe pain, because I did not want to become addicted. I was denying myself comfort; I was denying myself the self love that could have soothed so many of my fears. I did not love myself enough to accept that I deserved to be pain-free just as much as the next person. I also did not trust in Our Lord enough to know that His love could help me out of this cycle of fear and ultimately keep me from addiction.

I did fall into addiction for a short time. This is difficult for me to admit. Before my healing took place, my pain was so severe, I could not stand it anymore. I finally asked my doctor to prescribe something a few months before we left on our mission. Then I turned to these drugs to soothe not only my physical pain but also my emotional pain. It became a vicious cycle, where I would cry myself to sleep because no matter how much morphine or Vicodin I took, the pain never left my body, and I would wake up a few hours later with my whole body shaking because I was in so much pain. It had been years since I had a good night’s sleep, and even though I now had the drugs to combat the pain, my body was so devastated, so ravaged by the illness and unrelenting pain for so many years, that no amount of drugs was going to soothe it.

I finally got to the point that I prayed for deliverance, for an end to it all. If God wasn’t going to give me divine healing, then I wanted to be dead because I could not take any more pain. I stopped taking all my meds, even those for the Lyme disease and adrenal insufficiency and my myriad of other issues, and I fasted for two days, trusting that God would deliver me one way or the other.

I continued to trust day-by-day for a week, setting aside my fears that the pain would never end. I had to let go of the fear that was keeping me in bondage to my pain. Then we enlisted the help of a very mighty prayer team, when my husband asked if our pastor at our new church here in Beaumont could pray healing over me.

It was amazing. I was released. From the illness. From the fear. From the worst of my pain.

I still have pain, but it is not like it used to be. I am old and I am fat and it is winter. Those are three strikes against me at this point. It will take time to get my body back into shape, but I am continuing to trust in Our Lord, and my fear of the pain is gone.

Even though I was raised in an dysfunctional alcoholic home and grew to fear just about everything and I grew up not feeling loved or even wanted, God set me free from all that.

My prayer for you today is that you would ask God to heal you of your deep-set fears.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy