Guilt Complex, Gone

I should recognize by now that if I start having troubled sleep, if I start to falter in my Walk, if depression begins to come upon me, then God is once again working his magic in my soul. For my soul upheavals are not without reward.

And, oh, how sweet the rewards when God troubles my soul.

For several weeks, I tossed and turned, having bad dreams about false accusations. These dreams tormented not only my sleep, but also my waking hours, because I did not know why I kept having this recurrent theme. No one has troubled me with lies and false blame in almost a year now.

In my past, I have suffered many false accusations. I won’t go into too much detail, but a person very dear to me had the habit of throwing me under the bus when she was caught in a lie. We were very close (or so I wished), but no matter how desperately I wanted to share  my most intimate secrets with her, I simply could not trust her. I could not trust that she would keep my secrets, and I could not trust that she would not twist my truth into something grotesque and punishing.

From all her lies and from others believing her lies, I have suffered horribly from a guilt complex since childhood.

On top of that, I also have suffered from Lyme disease since childhood. No one believed I was sick. No one believed I was almost always in severe pain. I was accused of being a hypochondriac, once again spurred on by the lies spread by my dearest loved one.

Adding insult to injury, Lyme is a very real disease caught in the ugly political-ness of the CDC and insurance red tape. The CDC is influenced by insurance lobbyists, with their single goal being to save themselves money, even at the expense of the American public. This is a whole ball of wax I don’t wish to get into, for its negativity, but if you are interested in learning more, I would suggest checking out the video, “Under Our Skin.” As a result of the insurance industry’s political agenda, I and other Lyme sufferers have been accused of lying and of being hypochondriacs. I have had a whole slew of medical professionals deny my pain and my illness, for years.

There are plenty of other people and issues I could add to this list of false accusations, but I won’t. I’m not saying that I have never been guilty of things. I am not perfect. Far from it. I have sinned plenty, but the guilt complex came about because of unwarranted lies and accusations.

It is a myth that if we have a guilty conscience, then we must be guilty.

The truth is often that we have suffered blame at the hands of others once too often.

In my final dream on the subject, I found myself standing before a long line of my accusers. Some I recognized, of course, but some I did not, because they belonged to the CDC and insurance industry, and also among them were medical professionals I did not immediately recognize. Fear and terror seized my heart as I stood alone in front of them. Then all of a sudden, Jesus was beside me. I did not have to look to my right to know He was there. His presence and His voice were unmistakable.

He said, “Tell the first one to step forward.”

I reluctantly motioned for her to come.

Jesus said, “Ask her to say what she came to say.”

I reluctantly asked, as tears threatened to escape.

She said her lies, cast her blame.

Then Jesus said, “Now, tell her she is lying, tell her that you forgive her, and then send her on her way.”

I did as He asked. My heart felt a tiny bit better.

She went to the end of the line, so that she could once again come forward with more lies and blame when her turn came again.

We went through several more people in the line, with Jesus asking me to tell each of them the same thing. I was starting to feel better about myself. Eventually, He simply said, “Tell them what for,” as each one stepped up. “Go ahead,” He lovingly encouraged, as He motioned their way.

When I awoke, my guilt complex was completely gone. I was free. My temporary fight with depression was gone.

Now, before you jump all over me about vindication, let me state that what Jesus was asking me to do in my dream had nothing to do with vindication. I know vindication flies in the face of Jesus’ teaching about turning the other cheek. But I did not argue my truth. I did not lash out at my accusers. I was calm in dealing with each one because I had my Savior by my side. I felt no need to vindicate myself with Jesus there, holding my hand. He simply told me to tell them I knew they were lying, forgive them, and send them on their way.

Through this dream, God closed the book on my guilty conscience.

When I woke up, The Holy Spirit then led me to read the book of Ezra. Here is the biblical truth I learned about false accusations:

In a quick summary, King Cyrus allowed some of the exiles to return to Jerusalem to rebuild the house of God, to fulfill the prophesy spoken by Jeremiah (Ezra 1:1-3), and he also returned the temple articles that King Nebuchadnezzar had taken (Ezra 1:7). It didn’t take long for enemies of the exiles to frustrate their plans (Ezra 4:4-16). During the reign of subsequent kings, they continued making things difficult for the builders of the temple. They launched a specific complaint in a letter to Artaxerxes about how Jerusalem had always been a rebellious and wicked city (Ezra 4:12), and so Artaxerxes issued an order to stop work, so that the city would not be rebuilt (Ezra 4:21). During the reign of Darius, the Jews once again began building the temple, having the support and guidance of the prophets, and their enyy6emies once again tried to stir up trouble (Ezra 5:2-3). In response, the Jews stated in a letter to King Darius that they were working on the temple and the city by the decree of King Cyrus. Their letter is found in verses 5:11-17. At the end of the letter, they ask King Darius to do a thorough search of the archives, so that Darius may discover the truth for himself. This truth is verified and Darius’ response is found in verses 6:3-12. King Darius not only upheld the decree of his predecessor, but he also ordered that the accusers pay the expenses for rebuilding from the royal treasury and the revenues of Trans-Euphrates. The accusers had to give everything the Jews needed for the construction and also for the burnt offerings. King Darius furthermore decreed that anyone who continued to make trouble would be put to death.

Wow! What a turnaround. When questioned by their accusers, the elders calmly stated their case, and the truth prevailed because God saw their suffering, and He provided relief as only He can.

God sees our suffering. God knows our pain. God knows when we have been wrongly accused, just as He knew that the Jewish elders had been wrongly accused of building without permission. The elders did not seek to vindicate themselves. They did not seek retribution for years of being maligned and kept from their mission. All they wanted was to continue rebuilding the temple, as God had asked. Then, God provided the means necessary to finish the task without any further interference.

It is beautiful, the workings of Our Lord. He touched deep within my pain and healed yet another wound. He is so good to me.

My prayer for you today is that you may find healing for your inmost wounds.

In His grace,

Jennifer Joy

The Faithfulness of Ruth

I awoke this morning, knowing that I must write about Ruth. I will explain why later.

I have read, over and over, the account of Ruth, the daughter-in-law of Naomi. It is a beautiful account of one young woman’s faith in a God she did not grow up knowing, for she was a Moabitess, and the people of Moab worshipped false gods.

It overwhelms me that the Book of Ruth is even in The Bible. First, it tells of the life of a woman. There are only two biblical books specifically about women, the other being the Book of Esther. Few women are even mentioned in the genealogy studies by name, comparatively speaking, and many of the women in The Bible are simply referred to by their gender, (even though they were important enough to mention).

Even the woman who anointed Jesus with perfume before his crucifixion is only called “a woman” or “this woman,” while the man who owned the house in Bethany where the anointing took place was specifically named. Even though Jesus states that “what she has done will also be told, in memory of her,” she is still only referred to by her gender. Women simply did not hold much worth in biblical times. (This is a topic for another day, and I will not get into its significance/relevance now.) Specific women are mentioned usually only in accordance with their male relations. Wife of, mother of, sister of, etc.

“While Jesus was in Bethany in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper, a woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, which she poured on his head as he was reclining at the table.” (Matthew 26:6-7)

“Aware of this, Jesus said to them, ‘Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. . . I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.’” (Matthew 26:10, 13)

Secondly, it strikes me because, in The Old Testament, there are many admonitions against marrying foreign women, mostly for fear of falling under the curse of worshipping false gods. Yet, here in The Old Testament, is a story about a foreign-born woman, and she comes to marry a very important man. (I use the word “story” hesitantly because “story” usually indicates a work of fiction, whereas I firmly believe the Bible contains only God-breathed historical accounts, and as such, is the truth. The only real truth in this fallen world.)

However, Ruth was an extraordinary young woman.

Even though her husband (Naomi’s son) had died and she had not bore him any sons, she clung to Naomi and vowed to return to Naomi’s homeland with her. In all customary rights in her country, she very well could have returned to her own parents’ home and taken another husband, as it indicates Orpah (the other sister-in-law) did. (See Ruth 1:8-14)

She was a very loyal daughter-in-law. Her actions showed selflessness. She had taken her husband’s God as her own. This is one biblical example where it shows honor in a woman, where she actually obeys her husband and his religion, instead of her influencing her husband away from The One True God. To me, this also says she was very intelligent and able to discern the truth from all the lies she had most likely heard while growing up (through the worship of her people’s false gods). In much of The Bible, women are depicted as conniving and deceptive, finding their power only in their feminine, deceptive ways.

“I find more bitter than death the woman who is a snare, whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains. The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare.” (Ecclesiastes 7:26)

But Ruth was different. She was intelligent, as I mentioned. She recognized her standing as a foreigner, and she knew that she had no right to ask for favors when it came to following the harvesters in the barley fields of Naomi’s kinsman, Boaz. When she met Boaz, she humbled herself and told the truth, instead of trying to be deceptive or running away and hiding her shame of being, essentially, a beggar.

“At this she bowed down with her face to the ground. She exclaimed, ‘Why have I found favor in your eyes that you would notice me—a foreigner?’. . . ‘May I continue to find favor in your eyes, my lord,’ she said. ‘You have spoken kindly to your servant—though I do not have the standing of one of your servant girls.’” (Ruth 2:10, 13)

What happened next is even more amazing.

When I first studied Ruth, I did not understand why she would lie, like a dog, at the feet of Boaz. Was she showing submissiveness by keeping his feet warm? She was a noble woman. The Bible says as much. So the gesture was not an offer to pay back his kindness sexually. When Boaz discovered her at his feet, he kept her honor intact. She returned to Naomi before anyone could recognize her. (See Ruth, chapter 3) So, what then?

I studied the kinsmanship-redeemer obligations to find the answers.

It was indeed a noble thing she did. She had prepared herself as a bride and offered herself in marriage to Boaz, as per the kinsmanship-redeemer law that upheld the family obligation to help a dead brother (or nephew in this case) carry on his name. Knowing full well this law, Boaz knew exactly what her intentions were and that Naomi had put her up to it.

Naomi could have released Ruth to chase after younger men, but both women were known to be noble, and Ruth had vowed (in verses 1:16-17) to stay with Naomi until death, and therefore, I interpret the decision also as mature, most likely beyond her years. As such, she would not allow herself to be given to her own wanton desires and whims of lust. I imagine many young women of that day were much like the young women of today: Flighty, self-seeking, immature. I do not mean for this to demean young women; however, wisdom in relationships, as in any other area of life, comes with experience and age, i.e. maturity. And I myself have been an immature young woman, tempted by my own wanton flights of fancy.

This was the best option, not only for the family but also for Ruth. It was a win-win, and we all benefited from the integrity of that noble young woman, as I will show next.

From the union between Ruth and Boaz, Obed was born. Obed was the grandfather of David. Through King David’s lineage, we also find the greatest Man to ever walk the earth—Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior. (For a full listing of the genealogy of Jesus, please see Luke 3:23-38)

And this brings me to this morning, when I awoke sermonizing the Book of Ruth. This often happens to me, waking up spouting biblical truths. This happens usually in answer to my pleading prayers to Our Lord.

My prayers in the wee hours of this morning, after being unable to sleep most of the night, were rather pitiful. It was self pity, through and through.

“Lord,” I cried, “I study and I pray and I study and pray some more. I seek to know and do Your will. But how can I know for sure that I am doing the right things, the proper things You want, when I do not come from a strong Christian family?”

I cried out to Our Lord in self pity about my past. I will not go into detail, but I did not learn right from wrong early in life. I made mistake after mistake, not having a strong, supportive family to guide me. I have paid dearly for those mistakes I made. And I still make mistakes. I still sin, but then again, everyone sins in one way or another, and it is up to us to recognize when we have sinned and to ask for forgiveness when we do.

However, Our God is a faithful God. He answers my prayers. He hears my cries in the night and He gives me wisdom and blessings beyond what I deserve.

Like Ruth, I was “foreign” to the Way, the Truth, and the Life. I did not know Christ. I knew “of” Him in my childhood and I tried to please Him, but I did not know how. My sense of loyalty, honor, and respect had become skewed, distorted. I did not come to know Him until later in my years.

I read recently how once we give up a virtue (such as virginity) we can never get it back. We are marred, disfigured at that point, so it seemed to be saying to me. My self pity ran to how disfigured I  must be at this point in my life, having given my virginity before marriage, having broken trusts and lied habitually in my early years, having shop lifted, as well as other sins. “How ugly  must I be to You, God?” I cried.

His answer to me, through The Book of Ruth is thus: Even though I came from a questionable background, I am still beautiful in His sight for how I try to live my life now. Ruth’s sin was idolatry, as her parents most likely practiced. Even so, Ruth was given the noble position of being in the lineage of Jesus. Our God forgives our past mistakes. Our God overlooks our sins, if we repent and seek to live an honorable, God-honoring life.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14)

Our God is an awesome God.

Maybe that’s why I love Him so.

My prayer for you today is twofold: May you know discernment in your own decision-making and may you know how wonderfully beautiful you are to Our Lord and Savior.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

Ouch!

I had another dream. God seems to talk to me through my dreams, and when I awake, oftentimes confused or frustrated by my dream, He patiently takes the time to try to explain it to me, usually through scripture. For The Bible is a living thing. If we listen, we can hear The Word breathe truth into our lives.

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1

In my dream the other night, I had a horrible toothache. My molar was aching terribly. Then The Lord touched my tooth, and the pain was instantly gone. I awoke confused, as usual. And as usual, I have learned to ask God for clarification. Still in a half sleep state, He spoke directly to me this time, instead of through scripture. He said that my toothache represented an unresolved sin in my life. He asked me if I knew which sin might be causing me such grief, for the mouth is the conduit through which our heart speaks. I acknowledged my sin, and when He touched my tooth, the pain disappeared, and I was forgiven.

“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Luke 6:45

The sin I acknowledged was that I have been ridiculing myself for years for being a horrible parent. I have been holding that sin, that pain in my heart because of my past depression and because I was never really there for my children, especially my daughter when she needed me most, because of my depression.

Our Benevolent Father forgave me of that sin and has given me the blessing of having my daughter in my life once again.

I thought I had lost her, because though I tried, I could not keep her in my life, and she ran away from everyone and everything she knew when she was twenty-three.

Now we are two years later, and our relationship has blossomed into something so beautiful. It took me coming all the way to Beaumont to find her and to start fresh. (To clarify, I found out she was in Beaumont after six months of not knowing anything, but I did not know how much her life had changed for the good.)

After she came to Beaumont, The Lord must have moved mountains in her life, for she is now an entirely different person than she was in Vancouver, Washington. I can see a light shining in her as never before, and I am humbly grateful for having been given this gift I felt I did not deserve.

My prayer for you today is that you can find peace about your past sins, especially where your most important relationships are concerned.

In His Loving Embrace,

Jennifer Joy