Bethel Grace Abbey Mission

This is the online outreach for Bethel Grace Abbey Mission. May our efforts to serve the hurting and homeless souls of Southern California reach to the level He has set for us. May His Glory shine through the darkness and be evident in all we do at Bethel Grace Abbey. These are only our humble beginnings, but through His love, we can move mountains. Thank you for joining us on our mission. May your life be as blessed as mine has become.
In His Loving Grace,
Jennifer Joy

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

DAY TEN: New Relationships

16_days_logo_englishToday is day ten of The 16 Days Campaign to end domestic abuse and violence against women. Having past the halfway mark, I would like to offer a day of hope for survivors. Today I will present lists of early warning signs and red flags and also steps women can take to guard against abuse in new relationships.

Having gotten out of an abusive relationship is mighty reason to celebrate. Congratulations on your success, if you are a survivor. These lists will help you determine whether a new interest is worthy of your love. However, they are only lists of red flags and not written in stone. As such, use your God-given intuition to guide you in choosing your next partner more so than lists. They are meant as guidelines because as you yourself are healing, you will recognize that others also have the ability to change and improve. Their past does not necessarily predict their future, as I’ve been trying to show you that your past does not have to predict your future, either.

You are a strong, beautiful person and deserve to be in a strong, beautiful relationship. In the beginning, set aside those lustful “new romance” type feelings so that you can really get to know the other person. Please do not hop from relationship to relationship, from bed to bed, as this does not help the situation. I do not say this from a Christian perspective so much as from someone who has been there and done that. This is a plea to let the new relationship grow before adding sex into the mix; for sex confuses the issue, especially if a child results from the encounter.

Red Flags

  • Alcohol or drug use
  • Record of getting into fights or destroying property
  • Chronically unemployed and not seeking work
  • Speaks disrespectfully to other women in your presence, especially his mother or sisters
  • Name calling, put downs, or vulgar comments about you or others
  • Physically rough with you or with animals
  • Anger issues
  • Plays the blame game frequently
  • Starts to control where you go and who you can see
  • Forces sexual intimacy when you are not ready or do not want it
  • Cheats or has multiple partners, lengthy list of “conquests”
  • Takes advantage of your good nature
  • Takes money or other belongings from you and sees it as a right to do so
  • Unwarranted accusations of flirting or cheating
  • Does not pay attention to your interests, opinions, or feelings
  • Things always have to be his way
  • Silent treatment
  • Lies
  • Stands you up for dates or other obligations
  • Disappears for days at a time without appropriate reason
  • Expects you to dress and act a certain way, doesn’t let you be you
  • Threatens suicide if you attempt to break up
  • Says he cannot live without you
  • Mood swings
  • Compares you to former partners

 

Some questions to ask yourself about the relationship

  • Do you feel tied down?
  • Do you feel like you have to check in or get his permission?
  • Are you afraid to speak your own mind or bring up certain subjects?
  • Do you believe you are difficult to love?
  • Do you believe if you could just love him enough, everything would be okay?
  • Do you cry often?
  • Are you depressed or generally unhappy in this relationship?
  • Do you worry about how to please him or how to keep him happy?

These lists are adapted from the Domestic Abuse Project (http://www.domesticabuseproject.org)

Even with all the red flags and warnings, the bottom line is that if we want better in our relationships, it has to start with getting better ourselves. If you cannot afford counseling or you cannot spare the time for a support group, I highly recommend reading self-help books. Become a voracious reader in your spare time, instead of watching television. If you take public transportation, read on the way to work. Read during your lunch break. Read while waiting for the doctor or other appointments.

A word of caution, however, not all self-help books are created equal. If one does not resonate with you, set it aside and start another one. I have often found that the ones I have cast aside, later become great allies. Or they end up in the goodwill box.

Her is a short list of books I have found helpful over the years:

  • The Bible — find an easy-to-read version especially if this is new for you. The King James Version is not the best place to start. I heard of but have not yet read The Voice Bible, which is written in novel format and is said to be very easy to read.
  • Who Moved My Cheese? By Spence Johnson and Kenneth Blanchard — A quick read but very helpful in dealing with change in your life.
  • Broken body, Wounded Spirit, by Celeste Cooper — A devotional for chronic pain sufferers, but it has an interesting perspective for all of life’s challenges.
  • Messy, by A.J Swoboda — Finding beauty, meaning, purpose, and joy in a messy life.
  • Sifted: God’s Scandalous Response to Satan’s Outrageous Demand, by Rick Lawrence — Excellent biblical perspective on why we go through such trying times.
    Two Scoops of Grace with Chuckles on Top, by Jeanette Levellie —Humorous reminders of God’s handiwork in our lives.
  • Calm My Anxious Heart, by Linda Dillow — A woman’s guide to finding contentment.
  • Love Must Be Tough, by Dr. James Dobson — Straightforward advice for building relationships.
  • Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud — Setting healthy boundaries in your relationships. In fact, I would recommend any of the books by these two authors. They have helped me tremendously in sorting through my past and my relationship issues.
  • Living, Loving, and Learning, by Leo Buscaglia —I would also recommend any and all of his books. He was the first author who really resonated with my soul and began to teach me about love, while I was still in an abusive relationship years ago.

This is just a short list of my favorite self-help reads.

My prayer for you today is that you could hear that special message that will reach deep inside to unlock your full potential.

In His Grace,

Jennifer Joy

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