Today is day nine of the 16 Days Campaign to end domestic abuse and violence against women.
Today is also my father’s birthday, God rest his soul. Happy birthday, Daddy. I miss you.
We all have our own story to tell. We all experience events from our own unique perspective. Two people can live in the same family, have the same parents, and yet their stories can be drastically different. As an example, two sisters can attend the same school, have the same teachers, and yet because one struggles with dyslexia and the other does not, the first sister will not have pleasant memories of childhood, while the second sister will look back on those years as the best of her life.
Everyone’s perspective of a situation is different, depending on her unique background, circumstances, and even just what mood she woke up in that morning. I myself have been chastised by relatives because they held to the belief that my childhood was near perfect, and yet I suffered horribly at the words spoken directly to me by my parents, those words not overheard by the other children in the family, or even by the other adults who should have been there for me. As I stated, each person experiences life events in their own unique way. It does not make either perspective wrong, nor does it make it any easier on the abused one to deny that her story is accurate in her own heart. She knows what she has went through, and outsiders do not. God knows what she has gone through, and humans do not know the extent of her pain just by looking in from the outside, and especially not by denying her pain and suffering.
Discrimination and judgmental attitudes happen in the best of families and abuse happens in the best of family situations.
If you have a sister, a friend, a child, any loved one, crying out to you for help, please do not judge her tears and pain. Believe her. Help her end the abuse cycle in her life.
If you see a sister or friend or loved one sinking into a hole of despair, reach out to her. Maybe too many have judged her pain in the past. Maybe she no longer knows how to reach out to you. Maybe she fears you will slap her hand and her heart for the effort.
Quite possibly, she has been abused and with abuse comes a loss of trust. Even though you may judge yourself to be loving and compassionate, she does not realize that fact. Open yourself to her and show her what she has lost through abuse. Show her that you are loving and compassionate by reaching out to her, by showing her that you are trustworthy. This will go a lot farther for a hurting soul that simply saying, “Well, she never told me,” or, “Why can’t she ask me instead of me having to go the extra mile?”
Ask yourself this, is she worth the extra mile? If you have love and compassion in your heart for her, then I believe she is worth the extra mile. If you can at least manage agape love, then it is worth your effort. She is worth every effort to save.
She cannot ask because she has been hurt too many times and she no longer recognizes a safe person from an unsafe person. She has lost trust and she has lost the hope that anyone could ever help her or love her enough to rescue her.
To change a sister from an abuse victim to an abuse survivor, we must reach out with loving kindness, reaching into her broken places and soothing them with love and compassion and not judgment. It most definitely does take action on our part.
I’ve been there. I know how alone and helpless we sisters can feel when in abusive relationships.
I know how difficult it can be to reach out for help.
To summarize, here is a list of how you can help:
- Don’t be afraid to speak up and let her know you are concerned for her safety.
- Be supportive
- Acknowledge that this is a difficult time in her life
- Do not judge her and above all, respect any decision she makes without making her feel bad about her choices
- Help her develop a safety plan if she does not believe she can leave right now
- Allow her the space and time to make the right decisions, and always make sure she knows you are there for her when she is ready to make that decision
- Encourage outside interests, invite her and her children along in your plans whenever possible
- Encourage her to reach out for professional help or a support group
Also remember that you cannot rescue her. The decision has to be her own; otherwise she will not be able to escape the cycle of abuse.
My prayer for you today is that you reach out to help a sister, a friend, a loved one. When your heartstrings are pulled by a situation, there is a reason.
In His grace,
Jennifer Joy
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