My days are so full lately. My nights as well.
It used to be that when I was very ill and very depressed, there was a duality to the passage of time. Days seemed to drag on forever, and the nights were even worse. Yet, weeks and months seemed to zip right by, and I could not tell of a single productive thing I had accomplished in the past day, week, or even month.
Now, with all Our Lord has me doing for Him and His children (all of humankind but especially those of Southern California), days seem to pass all too quickly from sunrise to sunset.
Lately, when trying to tell someone when I did something, I have erroneously said that a week, two weeks, even a month had passed since I did whatever it was. But then I would look back at my journal, and I would be amazed to find that only half the span of time had actually passed since that activity’s notation. So again, there’s a mysterious discrepancy in the passage of time.
When I was terribly ill with depression, I could never understand the saying, “The more things you do, the more you can do” (Lucille Ball), because I struggled day in and day out just to get the basics done, if that. I lost far too many years to depression.
It is amazing what God can bring about in someone’s life, once the agony of depression has been conquered by His grace and love.
I find it quite peculiar, and yet it is exactly how I’ve come to understand the workings of God. Not that I fully understand, because no human can ever know the full will of God.
I also find it typically peculiar that after many nights of little sleep (because that is mostly when He chooses to speak to me because that is when I am most still), I will cry out for a full night’s rest. Then when He gives it to me (sleeping all night long), I will again cry out, “Lord, why didn’t you speak to me last night?” Even though The Holy Spirit and I wrestle all night some nights, and I am worn out the next day, I so desire to hear from Him every night and every day, even at the risk of no sleep yet again.
Living in an RV makes my night wrestling matches more difficult, however, especially now since we have added a third person to our tiny home on wheels. Yes, that makes three adults and two rambunctious dogs in a 33-foot motorhome without slide-outs. I’ll leave our houseguest’s story untold for now, other than that his great need has become like a blessing for me. That sounds horrible, even though I do not intend it that way. What I mean is that his presence in my life 24/7 really helps me out. He makes me laugh with his quiet personality and how he can slip a joke in without me realizing it until I am bursting with laughter. I love how his smile seems to creep over his face, almost imperceptibly at first. He is also a great help with the dogs, walking them and babysitting the puppy (Gracie), as Our Lord takes me away from home and into the community more and more.
(Tinker Belle with Suzie, when Tinker was just a puppy.)
I will never begrudge my son-from-another-mother a full night’s sleep, for he needs it with all he is going through right now. So I gladly do my writing and reading and wrestling by flashlight, lying in bed, sandwiched between my husband, Tinker Belle (the Pug), and Gracie (the Poodle puppy) while our houseguest makes the living room unavailable to me by night.
You can be sure, God is good in His will and His workings, even if we silly little humans are oftentimes inconvenienced or don’t understand at first. God is so good to me, even when I get frustrated and all I want is sleep.
My prayer for you today is that you may find the space to be still and your life quiet enough for at least a moment in all its chaos, so that you can hear the still small voice of God.
In His Loving Grace,
Jennifer Joy
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